I suck at being a woman.

That's how I feel, anyway.

My dinner went something like this last night.

After several weeks taking a sabbatical from cooking, I decided to try again by cooking roast. My grandmother makes the most AMAZING roast in the world. We had it this weekend while I was visiting her, so I got the recipe from her and tried it out.

Well, it didn't go well. Not at all.
First of all, since my grandmother didn't tell me to cut up the roast, I didn't. Maybe I should have. Also, she actually cooks it in a pot on the stove with water. She adds potatoes 30 minutes before it's done. Well, it was 7:30 p.m. and still not done. So then we decided to cut it up. I was so incredibly frustrated, because it didn't look anything like my grandmother's, and I felt like a failure.

So, what does a woman who feels like a failure do when her hormones are out of control?

She has a meltdown, of course.

So here I am, melting down while trying to cut potatoes. Full out ugly cry as if I were cutting onions instead of cutting potatoes. I almost cut my finger off, and so Wesley proceeds to take the knife from me. I'm still sobbing, of course, because it just feels like I fail as a woman.

sidenote:

[Failures:
1) I can't cook. I really can't. I think I just need to admit that to myself and everyone else. I have tried, and I have failed countless times. It is not natural, nor is it cute for me. It is stress waiting to happen.
2) I can't get pregnant without the help of fertility medication. Women are designed to conceive. What is wrong with this picture?
3) I am not dainty in the slightest. PCOS doesn't allow me to be. I'm overweight and I have too much testosterone. No chance of being femininely dainty or anything like that.
4) I really have no idea how to piece an outfit together. Usually when I look cute, it's because Wesley has stepped in and provided counsel.]

Anyway, so Wesley takes the knife from me, and I'm sobbing, telling him that I'm such a failure while listing the above reasons, and adding that I can't even cut potatoes, and Wesley looks at me and says dead seriously and rather spirited:

"I would rather have a wife with all of her extremities than one who can peel potatoes!"

So then, with tears streaming down my face, I proceed to break into a side-splitting laugh. He starts laughing as well. It was all quite comical, amidst my meltdown.

All that to say, the roast sucked, and the potatoes were in too long and they literally disintegrated into tiny pieces.

Baking is really my thing. But I can't lose weight if I bake all the time.

***
On my way to my office, I saw a girl who looked to be about 7.5 months pregnant.
She was puffing away on a cigarette.
I wanted to strangle her. Does she not realize how much of a precious gift a baby is?

***

I'm so ready for a vacation. Just 8 more days. I can do this.

**TMI***

I have been bleeding for 12 days.

It's this wimpy bleeding, that doesn't require anything but a pantyliner, and I feel like I'm wasting one when I use it. Every once in awhile I will bleed a bit more, but only occasionally.
**************
I am just very down in my spirit right now. I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I haven't been able to bounce back from the negative pregnancy test last Friday. I am so very frustrated. And heartsick. And not satisfied with myself at all. Oh, not to mention my hormones are an absolute wreck right because I keep forgetting to take my meds. I cry at the drop of a hat, and once I start crying, it's difficult to stop.


I am ridiculously bloated, and I feel like a fat heifer. I haven't made any permanent weight lost past the ten pounds, simply because I got sick of trying so dang hard. It's a little difficult to drink a ridiculous amount of water every day when you're running around after delinquent kids.

I'm going to kind of take a break from blogging about my journey. I thought it would be therapeutic and cleansing, and while at times it is, lately it hurts to be this vulnerable as well. I'm tearing up as I type this, because it's just painful to dwell on the negative pregnancy test and focus on how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to conceive.

Pray for me please. I am really struggling through this to get to the other side. I guess it would be one thing if it was just that I am struggling with conceiving...but having a stressful job that is currently not fulfilling me.... it's just a little too much right now.

It really is a good excuse.

Hormones.

Mine are out of whack right now.

I always thought that this was a pathetic excuse women used to justify their complete out of control emotions. That it was more due to lack of self-discipline and due to pure self-wallowing that caused women to cry at the drop of a hat. I had some times where I would cry, but it would usually take a lot of thought and pondering, and I had to be hurting pretty bad to cry fairly fast.

And then I started taking this medication. The medication is meant to regulate my hormones. But, of course, in the process, my hormones are changing and adjusting and such.

I cry at the drop of a hat now. Seriously.

As I type this, I am teary-eyed from a country song that came on my Pandora station. I guess I should know better then to listen to country alone while working late.

Oh, and one thing that will ALWAYS...and I mean, ALWAYS get me, is the quote:

"Because, after all, a person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Man, I am about to lose it just now as I read it.

We watched "Horton Hears a Who" last night. I held back tears throughout the whole thing, really, but anytime that quote was said...I couldn't help but cry. Oh, and I literally wanted to bawl at the very end, when little Jo Jo finally found his voice...aw, man. That just killed me. If it weren't for Wesley being in the room, I would have lost it.

So, you see, all of these things are adding up to this whole "hormone" excuse. I really am a crazy wreck right now.