This season is drawing to a close...

I feel in my spirit that this season is a drawing to a close. Right now, I need to focus on getting healthy and getting my hormones regulated so that I can hopefully be medicine-free. This blog started out as tracking my weight loss, but I quickly lost the zeal after the first month. That will change.

I am retiring this blog for now. I will still have it, but I will not write on it. You can find me on Second Story Silhouettes. . I just really feel the reason why I haven't become pregnant is because God has something else for me now. Although I still desire a child with everything in me, I feel God has quenched that desire with this newfound purpose in my life, which is becoming clearer and clearer that we should go on an extended missions trip. I don't know how God is going to work all of this out, but I am excited to see what He has in store.

I thank you all that followed me through your own TTC journey. Those that encouraged me, your words will always mean so very much to me. And I WILL be back, and I'm claiming in the name of JESUS that I won't have to struggle nearly as much as I did this time. I am believing that God will bless me.

I still have the touch!

Today, I had a very rewarding day. I helped a teenage mom find temporary housing for herself and her 6 month old baby boy.

When I went to pick her up, he was sitting on the floor on his tummy. I crouched down and of course oohed and ahhhed over him and talked to him, and the first thing he did was look up at me and give me this ridiculously precious grin! One person said "he must really like you to smile at you like that!"

I picked him up immediately and had problems letting him go, hehe. He was just sitting there looking at me and smiling and laughing. It made my heart melt. As I transported them to their destination, hearing him giggle and laugh and talk in the backseat of my car made me literally warm and fuzzy inside. I just kept thinking "one day...one day. This won't be the last time I'll hear those sounds from my own back seat."

He had an adorable headful of curls and was light skinned, with the most beautiful dark brown eyes. *sigh*...he stole my heart.

And I realized that even though I'm not around babies regularly...I still have my touch. I can still pick up a baby and know exactly what to do. I thank God that he has gifted me with this ability, and that it has been with me for years. Most of all, that it has stayed with me.

But of course, this experience has left me even more heartsick for a baby. They are seriously one of the main joys of my life.


I am hopeful for this month. I think it will be very difficult for me to go to my appointment the first week in November and find out that I didn't even ovulate. Pray for me that I will be able to accept whatever happens. It gets harder and harder sometimes.

Update. And God is AWESOME.

Just a brief update on me.

I had my appointment with my ob/gyn today. I took a pregnancy test, and it was of course negative. I expressed to her my frustrations with not having a cycle since March, and not knowing where in the heck I am in ovulation and cycles due to bleeding for two weeks. She explained that bleeding in between periods is actually pretty common for PCOS because of the irregularity of the periods.

So, I have been placed on Provera to kick start my period. Yay!! I take it for ten days, and after the ten days is over, if it works, I will have a period. Finally!!! I haven't been this happy at the prospect of having a period since I was 11, lol.

Then, on day five of my period, I will begin taking Clomid!!! (!!!!!)
(I have provided links for both for you all that are curious) I am starting at 50 mg. My ob/gyn told me that the Jackson Clinic only likes to give Clomid in three month increments, so if no results are seen by the end of October or Early November (my first month on Clomid) then we will increase the mgs to 100. She told me that we don't want to waste time since I can only be on it for three months, and I definitely agree.

***

I know that God is the only one who can resolve my fertility issues, but it does make me more hopeful to know that A) I will have a period within the next month, making this next month an actual month to try to conceive successfully, and B) Clomid has SO many success stories.

God has been moving in my heart.

The other night, I felt this overwhelming need to get on my knees and just cry out to God with everything in me about what's going on with me. I have felt so depressed lately and completely defeated. So, I prayed, had a good cry, and then afterward, I felt another overwhelming need to read the Bible. I said a little prayer and flipped the Bible open to a random page, something I tend to do a lot when I feel lost and confused. The page landed in Song of Solomon, and I was definitely surprised. My eyes immediately went to a section in the middle of a verse, which is very unlike me because I always start reading from the beginning of the verse. Yet this time, I didn't. Here is the verse, and the first sentence my eyes went to is what is in bold:

Song of Solomon 6:6

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
Which have come up from the washing;
Every one bears twins,
And none is barren among them.

I kid you not, the first sentence my eyes read was the sentence in bold. How awesome is that? I was in absolute awe of how specific the verse was. Now, I don't believe I'm going to have twins necessarily, but for the verse to say "NONE is barren among them"...I just felt God saying to me "you will NOT be barren. Trust me, daughter."

I then flipped the pages again and came to Matthew 9, which talks about many miracles Jesus bestowed, and what jumped out to me were these verses:

Matthew 9: 27-29
When Jesus departed from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out and saying "Son of David, have mercy on us!"
And when He had come into the house, the blind men came to Him. And Jesus said to them
"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
They said to Him "Yes, Lord."
Then He touched their eyes, saying
"According to your faith, let it be to you."

I just heard God saying to me "you have to believe in order to receive this miracle that I want to give you!" It humbled me and left me in complete and utter reverence.

I have not been believing in the power of God for a while. I'm not sure why. Perhaps part of it is that I have honestly been mad at God and angry with Him for making me wait. Yes, it is selfish and immature, but it is an honest emotion I have had, and still struggle with.

It is something that I am working through, and as always, I ask you to pray that I would be able to have faith in our wonderful God, who has a plan and timing for everything under the sun.

Maybe I should work at Wal-Mart

I had the most fabulous shopping experience ever at Wal-Mart today.

I went to pick up some eyeliner, and this sweet Southern woman stopped me and said "Can I ask your opinion on something?"

I nodded and smiled, and she began with "I just noticed that you're wearing blush, and my daughter has recently told me that I should wear blush..."

Now, let's stop right there. First of all, I wasn't wearing blush. My cheeks were apparently flushed due to walking briskly around the store and also feeling a bit feverish lately. But it was too cute, and I didn't want to make her feel bad or self-conscious by correcting her, so I didn't. I just nodded and pretended I was wearing blush.

But she continues with these comments. 

"I was thinking something natural. Yours looks so natural (she had no idea, haha) and pretty and I don't want anything too bold. I was looking at these other colors and I think they're a little too dark."

I told her the one in her hand looked like it would work well, and to put it on lightly. 

She then asked me a direct question. "Yeah, I'm thinking I like this pink one. Is that pretty much what you have on?"

I felt so bad saying yes, but I didn't want to hurt this poor lady's feelings. Plus, I was in too deep at this point. So... I said yes. She thanked me for helping her, and I told her she looked fine the way she was, haha. I'm surprised I pulled this off, because I'm a horrible liar. I felt so bad, but I didn't feel the need to repent since me lying was better than embarassing the poor lady and making her feel awkward. At least, this is what I'm currently telling myself. 

So then, I am walking toward the shampoo aisle to get some hair gel, and I get stopped by someone else, this time an adorable old black man who reminded me of Morgan Freeman. 

He explained he needed another set of eyes and that he was looking for ibuprofen. He had been looking for a liquid version, but after much searching, I could only find the pill version of it. He then explained that his 16 year old daughter was home due to nausea and chills, and that the pharmacy had told him to pick up some ibuprofen and pepto bismol. He looked lost when referring to the pepto bismol, so I told him to wait right there while I happily went a few aisles down to get it for him. I then suggested he get some Sprite to help her with the nausea and asked if he had crackers at home. He said he did. I told him to give her the medicine and that if she wasn't better in a few hours, to take her to the doctor due to swine flu going around. He thanked me.

Well, miraculously, my next stop was right over where the drinks were. I heard a little voice (I believe it was God) telling me "Why don't you go over there and pick up a two liter of Sprite and bring it to the man?" Somehow, even though that store was fairly big, I knew I was going to run into the man. So, I picked up the two liter and headed to the section where he originally was. I ran into him about a minute later, in a completely different aisle. He lit up when he saw that I had brought the Sprite to him. I explained that I had been near the drinks anyway, and told him I hoped his daughter felt better. 

It made my heart swell being able to help these people today, and it is honestly the most useful I have felt in a while. God is so good.

So, maybe I just need to work at Wal-Mart... =) 

On the flipside, I have had a consistent headache for three days, and I have been exhausted for three days.

So, I am going to take a pregnancy test in the morning. I happen to have one left from the dollar tree.

I don't expect it to be positive, and I'm going to try my hardest not to get my hopes up. 

But, if it's negative, I may need to go to the doctor. It feels like I'm coming down with something. I am usually never this exhausted during consecutive days.

This is the part that I hate, because I know a part of me will be dissapointed and frustrated if it's negative. 

But I just have to know.