Not ovulating.

So, I forgot to mention in my last post that the dr. wanted me to get a blood test done the next day to make sure I am ovulating.

I got the call today and it appears that I have not ovulated for the month.
Which might explain why I was supposed to start my cycle, but haven't yet.

I was trying not to focus on being excited about being late, because I just knew that something like this would be the reason for it, not actual pregnancy.

*sigh*.

What is so wrong with ovulating? Why does my body hate it so?
So, I have an appointment scheduled for the 16th. I have no idea where we will go from here. I assume that in between now and that time, we will get the eval on Wesley. We're probably looking at an IUI, which actually after looking at the costs, wouldn't be very much by itself, but the ultrasound done to check my follicles is what really adds to the cost. In total it would be about $450-500, which isn't as bad as I originally thought, but isn't chump change either.

***

My niece and I broke the wishbone this year. She got the longer end, but then gave it to me and said I could have it for my wish, since she knew that my wish was more important than hers. Kids pick up on things so easily. It was the sweetest thing. I kept the bone, like a sentimental sap.

***

I am currently wondering if I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to wonder if maybe God is having me not pregnant right now for a purpose. A bigger purpose. A purpose that would not be possible if I had a child.

I wish I had clarity when I prayed. I will admit, I'm a bit fickle, and I really need the direction of the Holy Spirit to be as clear as possible. Otherwise, I think I would chase down rabbit trails for the rest of my life. The problem is, it's been hard to really find direction for myself in this life. I follow the direction of what is expected, what is normal. But does that mean I feel led to do this? Not necessarily.

I will be talking about this more specifically in my other blog

News from the dr's appointment...

Well, hmmmm...I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I can just walk through my dr's appointment from beginning to end. That seems most appropriate.

So, the dr. came in and I asked her what are the next steps after we conclude the Clomid process. First of all, she told me that she doesn't want to increase my Clomid to 150 mg because a) that is the highest dosage and b) if I am ovulating, she doesn't see that being necessary. I can understand that, and I appreciate it, because I was quite fearful of what 150 mg would hold when 50 and 100 have been fairly hard. She also told me that if I wanted, we could do more than 3 months of Clomid, but usually by then we move on to other things. She explained the next step would be...well...

**TMI** (seriously...TMI until I write "end TMI", so get ready for it)

For my husband to do a sperm sample to determine if he has a normal sperm count. This makes me a bit...anxious? We are Christians and have obvious convictions, and since I knew my dr. was a Union graduate, I figured she'd understand my next awkward yet completely necessary question I asked... can we gather a sample at home? Looking back on this, it probably sounds completely ridiculous and I should probably be embarassed that I asked this, but still! Anyway, she said that it depended on how far we live away from the clinic, but since we only live about 5 minutes away, it should be no problem. So, that's good. Wow. This is awkward to blog about, but it's part of my update from my dr.'s appointment, so I guess I had to share.

***end TMI***

Anyway, so I asked about the ultrasound in which they examine my ovaries to see if I've produced follicles to determine if I've ovulated. Normally, women on Clomid have these every month to make sure the Clomid is working. Since this is month 2 on Clomid and no ultrasound has been scheduled, I figured that I needed to ask about this.
The next part will probably seem completely obvious for veteran TTCers, but for me, I had no idea.

So, apparently, insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments. The dr. explained this is because insurance companies don't see fertility efforts as necessary and are therefore not covered (um, HELLO! What, are all insurance companies run by MEN?!)

So, any fertility efforts from this point on...will not be covered by insurance.
This includes the follicle ultrasound, any IUI, sperm eval, etc.
WOW. W-O-W.

She printed me out a sheet that breaks down all of the costs of different fertility options.

She explained that instead of having an ultrasound to check my follicles (which is around, oh, $600-700 dollars a pop!!!) that we would do a blood sample which would check my progesterone level and indicate whether or not I've ovulated. I'm going in today at 4:00 for that.

So, basically after checking my husband's fertility end of things, we would then look at having an IUI. Which would then probably require the follicle ultrasound. The IUI is around $300, and the follicle ultrasound is of course $600-$700.

So, to sum it up, basically... if this Clomid doesn't work, then I will have to be dishing out over $1,000 a try for a baby.

I really, REALLY need this Clomid to work.

***

I am so very discouraged. We can't afford to do that every month. No way at all. Maybe once, and then wait a few months...but this waiting game is driving me insane.

I am just so very discouraged. I don't think I've let it sink in yet.

Why on earth should it be so hard to have a baby? Why, why, WHY?!

I really need to feel the strength of others' prayer right now, because I am just about to lose it.

Wow. I really didn't realize how much this hurts until I blogged about it.

Dissapointment, mixed in with some relief.

So... my cycle showed up...on Halloween, of all days... 3 days early?!

The upside is that I actually started without needing any pills to kick start it.
The downside is that for a second there, due to feeling pains I hadn't felt before, I thought maybe there might be something different going on. I swear, I think I've felt ovulation pains before, but these pains felt worse...so I narrowed it down, tried not to get too anxious, and prayed that maybe my hopes would come true.

I'm hoping this really is a cycle. But yet, it seemed to only last two days...so I'm not sure if it counts or not. I'm going to call the dr's office and try to talk to my dr. If this is considered my cycle, I have got to get another prescription for Clomid. Onto 150 mg...

I suck at being a woman.

That's how I feel, anyway.

My dinner went something like this last night.

After several weeks taking a sabbatical from cooking, I decided to try again by cooking roast. My grandmother makes the most AMAZING roast in the world. We had it this weekend while I was visiting her, so I got the recipe from her and tried it out.

Well, it didn't go well. Not at all.
First of all, since my grandmother didn't tell me to cut up the roast, I didn't. Maybe I should have. Also, she actually cooks it in a pot on the stove with water. She adds potatoes 30 minutes before it's done. Well, it was 7:30 p.m. and still not done. So then we decided to cut it up. I was so incredibly frustrated, because it didn't look anything like my grandmother's, and I felt like a failure.

So, what does a woman who feels like a failure do when her hormones are out of control?

She has a meltdown, of course.

So here I am, melting down while trying to cut potatoes. Full out ugly cry as if I were cutting onions instead of cutting potatoes. I almost cut my finger off, and so Wesley proceeds to take the knife from me. I'm still sobbing, of course, because it just feels like I fail as a woman.

sidenote:

[Failures:
1) I can't cook. I really can't. I think I just need to admit that to myself and everyone else. I have tried, and I have failed countless times. It is not natural, nor is it cute for me. It is stress waiting to happen.
2) I can't get pregnant without the help of fertility medication. Women are designed to conceive. What is wrong with this picture?
3) I am not dainty in the slightest. PCOS doesn't allow me to be. I'm overweight and I have too much testosterone. No chance of being femininely dainty or anything like that.
4) I really have no idea how to piece an outfit together. Usually when I look cute, it's because Wesley has stepped in and provided counsel.]

Anyway, so Wesley takes the knife from me, and I'm sobbing, telling him that I'm such a failure while listing the above reasons, and adding that I can't even cut potatoes, and Wesley looks at me and says dead seriously and rather spirited:

"I would rather have a wife with all of her extremities than one who can peel potatoes!"

So then, with tears streaming down my face, I proceed to break into a side-splitting laugh. He starts laughing as well. It was all quite comical, amidst my meltdown.

All that to say, the roast sucked, and the potatoes were in too long and they literally disintegrated into tiny pieces.

Baking is really my thing. But I can't lose weight if I bake all the time.

***
On my way to my office, I saw a girl who looked to be about 7.5 months pregnant.
She was puffing away on a cigarette.
I wanted to strangle her. Does she not realize how much of a precious gift a baby is?

***

I'm so ready for a vacation. Just 8 more days. I can do this.

Wishful thinking..

Ok, I have exactly fifteen minutes to get to work, and I'm typing a quick blog. 

I think I'm going to be late. Oh well. 

So, the past two nights I've taken my Metformin late, so I'm chalking it up to that so I don't get my hopes up. Anyway, I have been  TIRED TIRED TIRED lately. I'm talking feeling like I'm on some allergy meds. 

But of course, me trying to conceive, I can't help but wonder "what if this tiredness is really more, as in, one of the most common signs of pregnancy?" 

I know, I'm making this much more difficult for myself. 

Oh, and of course, Wesley and I went out to eat with a couple who is expecting, and she's in the early stages. Well, she started talking about how she gets up to pee at least once a night now, and Wesley says "Well, Ashley does that now!" And the girl said "Really?" And I said "Well yeah, but it's mostly because I get really thirsty right before I go to bed and I end up drinking a lot of water." And of course, she says the inevitable.... me too!

Now, that is just not kind. Because I will then analyze over and over again and question the possibility of me being pregnant. Yes, the thirst before bed has become a recent thing, and when she talked about having a thirst that's never quenched, I thought "that is SO me." 

But, I am so sick and tired of seeing negatives on pregnancy tests that I can't even bring myself to try to test. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up and having them dashed into pieces. So, I'm praying that if this is the REAL deal, it will become evident before I test. But, I highly doubt I'm pregnant.

One can wish, though. Say a little prayer for me that I can make it through this loooong day. 

Falling into pieces

Today was not a good day.

I don't know why hearing certain people or people in certain situations are pregnant, bothers me more than others in different situations. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with the people, and has more to do with how my day has gone. 

I had a crazy hectic day (well, crazy hectic week) and I feel like I can't ever get my head above water, water which distinctly resembles mounds of paperwork. Couple that with having a two hour meeting at work entitled as file audits, but carefully disguised. It's really "let's make Ashley cry and make her feel like she can't do anything right. Let's tell Ashley that she's not detailed enough and that if she wants to be a GOOD case worker, she will try everything she can to have no life and instead worry worry worry about taking all the staples out of documents and making sure her file is perfect." 

My job is stressful on a number of levels. First, you have the simple fact that you can have up to 18 cases, all of which you are completely 100% responsible for. Even at 11 cases, I am sinking fast. Then, any case you have that is a problem case, you should automatically count those as more than one case, because the trouble that they give you is at least two cases worth of work. I have at least three serious trouble cases. Oh, and by the way, these are cases in which often, my supervisor can honestly say "I have never had to deal with that before." Oh joy. Now, I have learned that all of your kids that are in the Juvenile Justice population are going to give you trouble. Many a time I have thought that a child I got on my caseload would be "no trouble", only to be sitting in a meeting with all of his teachers a couple of weeks later. So the trouble I'm talking about is out of the ordinary stuff; freakishly weird stuff; it's adding stress to an already stressful situation. I am also a state employee. I am responsible for so much more than typical social workers. This is a government job, therefore we are subject to random audits, scrutiny, etc. Even if you aren't audited regularly, it still puts stress on you with the possibility of someone auditing you. And that stress is so much more than the stress of simply losing your job. It's someone looking at you and saying "what in the heck were you thinking? You have not helped this child at all! This child will have more of a screwed up life because of you!" (Not that this will ever happen, but doesn't the possibility of that happening make you shudder and go into overdrive? I know I do). I'm not known as being the most responsible person. I seriously probably had sippy cups until I was 7 due to the fact that I could never hold a drink without spilling it. And yet now, all of a sudden, because I'm graduated and have a degree, I'm supposed to be able to make all these decisions and be responsible for human beings? This is so much more than just being a parent. It's like being a parent after the child has been out of your life for 17 years. That's scary. Especially when you have bigger people looking down at you and monitoring what decisions you make.

Finally, this job is stressful and hard because sometimes, the things I hear from the children really make me want to fall apart. I have heard stories of children watching family members bleed to death on the sidewalk after being pumped full of bullets. It's just all too much. I heard one of these stories today, and I kept asking God "why, oh why do you let your children suffer so? Why are they allowed to experience such pain and violence before they're even old enough to graduate?" 

I will admit, I actually got a bit angry with God today. I just don't understand Him. I think what makes me most angry is that, in situations like that, you cannot tell someone "that was God's plan." That would be absurd. So, how can I believe it was?

And at the end of a day like today, to find out someone is pregnant after a ridiculousy short amount of time...well, it's just a little too much. I have this issue where, if I know the couple has been trying for a long time, I am overjoyed for them. But, instead, if it's more of a "wow, we didn't expect to get pregnant; we weren't even trying. We haven't even struggled over getting pregnant," thing...I can't help but be bitter. And angry. And hurt. And I again struggle with believing this is God's plan.

I feel so cheated out of everything. It depresses me that I have to "prep" my body to grow life. It is so much of an ego blow. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (which, let's face it, there is) and makes me feel like less of a woman. I struggle with really feeling horrible about myself, thinking that one of the most natural things a woman is designed to do, I struggle with doing it. Sometimes I wonder why the women who desire the most, with everything in them, to conceive....seem to have the most difficult time? 

I cannot tell you when I started fantasizing about my future children. I'm sure I was a child myself. I would always watch my baby cousins and was known to have a "special touch" with most of them. I have read time and time again on facebook, and even babycenter, women complaining about getting little to no sleep, morning sickness, or even simply the chaos of having children. I am sure those who are struggling with getting pregnant can agree...doesn't that just make you want to slap the person in the face? What I wouldn't give to experience morning sickness, lack of sleep, and chaos, all at once! And just think,  I haven't even been struggling with conceiving for as long as a lot of women with infertility issues. I don't know where they get their strength from. When Wesley and I were trying very hard to conceive, with every negative pregnancy test, I would literally crumple up and sob. It was such a difficult time. I know that if and when my cycles get regulated, I'm going to be right back there again, and I'm scared of how painful it's going to be. 

What I do know is I am going to try my very hardest to never utter a complaint when I'm pregnant. I want to rejoice and be content and cherish it. I want to remember what it took to get me to that point. Most of all, I want my child to know how wanted it was. How its mother would pray and cry and ache, waiting for her arms to be filled with its little body. I am often reminded of that scene in 'Facing the Giants'... tell me, what is impossible with God? 

I am working through feelings of bitterness and hurt. I never expected to have issues with getting pregnant, although it was always a major fear of mine. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be just my luck, me, the person who cannot see a baby without going up and touching its little fingers, would have problems with fertility." It seems like the epitome of irony. It feels cruel, as if I am being cheated out of something already very dear to my heart. 

On the sunnyside...

Breakfast today was pretty great. I actually had time to sit down, and I had:

1 slice of healthy life white bread topped with cinnamon sugar and butter
4 pieces of Oscar Mayer bacon

Crazy as it seems, it lasted me until 12. Of course, I was in a meeting from 9:15 to 10:30, so it distracted me somewhat, but still.

Lunch was one cup of Chunky vegetable beef soup. My stomach began to turn just as I was finishing it, but I consider it an accomplishment that I finished it! Then I had strawberry jello for dessert.

Dinner becomes the hardest meal of the day.
I have NO idea what to cook.
Our staple meals are usually:
Hamburger helper
mac n cheese
spaghetti... (do you see a trend here?)
lasagna
skillet meals that have pasta and chicken
chicken strips and french fries

Wow, looking at that list, no wonder I had issues with carbs. It doesn't help that I have a stressful/busy/crazy job which leaves me with little energy for inventive meals.

So, when you take all of that away...and you couple that with the fact that I am SO SICK of skinless chicken breast... you wonder what else is there? Especially when you grocery shopped for the month before deciding to go low carb.

So, my question to you is:

what is your favorite thing to make that is healthy, low carb, little to no prep, and tasty?

Please put the recipe in your comment, or at least give me some ideas. I am by no means a culinary expert (as I've mentioned before) so simple and easy is the best for me, haha.

[Please and thank you. I know the girls that read this are great cooks, so I'm excited to learn new things!]


On another weird and perhaps scary note, I've noticed today that my kidneys are...aching. (At least, I believe they are my kidneys due to looking at a human map online). It's by no means excruciating. It's a very dull ache, and not constant. I searched a little, and found that there is at least one thread on the web that notes a PCOS girl having slightly aching kidneys after upping her Metformin dosage.
Um... that's a little, scary?

The woman said that once she decreased her dosage and increased it again, she was fine. But I really really really really just want to get through this week, because then I will be on the official recommended dosage.

This is further proof that I don't want to be on this medicine for my whole life. There's no telling what it could end up doing to my kidneys. It appears that there's been no link to Metformin and kidney problems...yet. But it's one of those things that could come out years from now.

In other news, one of my good guy friends and his wife became pregnant several months ago. They found out recently that it's a girl.

Upon finding this out yesterday, I had my first heartsick emotions in a while.

I know that when I do finally become pregnant, I will be happy with whatever gender my precious child is. But, Wesley and I would really really really love to have a girl first.
I struggle being scared (and full of self-pity) that, because my life has been full of dissapointments (pathetic, right? this is so not true...but that is the self-pity part of this), that when we do get past this infertile period, I will try and try for a girl, and will end up with a house of like, four boys.

This is when I get scared.
I mean, seriously. All I can think about is 'Home Improvement', and what Jill had to deal with having three boys in the home (basically four, because her husband was like a big kid). What a nightmare!

I did read an article recently that talked about a woman who has tried so long to have a girl, and kept having boys, and the small heartache she went through. But then someone told her something encouraging: God has entrusted you to raise Godly men. He has given you so many boys because he knows you will raise them as Godly men and leaders.

I thought that was a happy little spin to a potentially depressing situation.

I think once I become pregnant, these thoughts will go on the back burner, and I will be content with whatever.

But oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have an adorable little girl with curly dark brown hair and gorgeous big brown eyes? I can already see her in my head, actually. She's beautiful.

One step at a time. :)