Not ovulating.

So, I forgot to mention in my last post that the dr. wanted me to get a blood test done the next day to make sure I am ovulating.

I got the call today and it appears that I have not ovulated for the month.
Which might explain why I was supposed to start my cycle, but haven't yet.

I was trying not to focus on being excited about being late, because I just knew that something like this would be the reason for it, not actual pregnancy.

*sigh*.

What is so wrong with ovulating? Why does my body hate it so?
So, I have an appointment scheduled for the 16th. I have no idea where we will go from here. I assume that in between now and that time, we will get the eval on Wesley. We're probably looking at an IUI, which actually after looking at the costs, wouldn't be very much by itself, but the ultrasound done to check my follicles is what really adds to the cost. In total it would be about $450-500, which isn't as bad as I originally thought, but isn't chump change either.

***

My niece and I broke the wishbone this year. She got the longer end, but then gave it to me and said I could have it for my wish, since she knew that my wish was more important than hers. Kids pick up on things so easily. It was the sweetest thing. I kept the bone, like a sentimental sap.

***

I am currently wondering if I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to wonder if maybe God is having me not pregnant right now for a purpose. A bigger purpose. A purpose that would not be possible if I had a child.

I wish I had clarity when I prayed. I will admit, I'm a bit fickle, and I really need the direction of the Holy Spirit to be as clear as possible. Otherwise, I think I would chase down rabbit trails for the rest of my life. The problem is, it's been hard to really find direction for myself in this life. I follow the direction of what is expected, what is normal. But does that mean I feel led to do this? Not necessarily.

I will be talking about this more specifically in my other blog

Side effects.

Hot flashes...check
Nausea...check
Tiredness like I have gotten run over by a semi repeatedly....double check.
Emotions a mess...check!


These symptoms coupled with dealing with juvenile delinquents cannot make for a good attitude. Ugh.

Clomid is pretty brutal. I thought this month it would be ok. I don't know how I thought this, since the first dosage of Clomid left me reeling a little, but I was trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be one of these people that jump at the first chance of what might be "side effects." I've always been a good medicine taker, actually. Never really had any side effects from medicine besides a little sleepiness.

But I think I'm convinced fertility medication is COMPLETELY different from regular medication. Duh.

Anyway, I started off the meds with little problems. But I took my last pill last night, and it seems like it's starting to hit hard.

There is a sliver of good news in this. I am OFF Wednesday, courtesy of working a state job and having off for Veteran's day.

***

I'm thinking of giving up after this whole Clomid business is over. I'm just so sick of pumping my body with medicine. As it is, I take four pills of Metformin a day, plus my vitamin. So, because of this last round of Clomid, I was taking 7 pills a day, including my vitamin! That is insane. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 20th, and I'm going to ask her what my options are after we try the Clomid. I wish they would skip all of this and just go straight to an IUI, as I am starting to doubt our ability to conceive children without help with timing and such. Though we did what the doctor said last month, obviously it did not produce a baby. So it leaves me with doubts and fears and apprehension. Then I also think of all the statistics that say that women with PCOS have increased fertility the older they get. And although I have never wanted to be an "older" mother (never, never, never, NEVER), the thought of waiting a while and having a baby naturally as opposed to pumping all these pills into my body sounds slightly appealing.

I start to wonder if I haven't gotten it all wrong. Maybe God is...preventing me from getting pregnant. Maybe it's not time right now. I heard a sermon not too long ago that said that we can't trust our feelings, we must go with God's voice. I have FELT it is time for a baby, but is it? The problem with that theory is that rarely do I hear God's voice instructing me on where to go, what to do. But I keep wondering why, if I want this so badly, is God witholding it from me? Is it because we're supposed to be doing something else right now? Or to produce fruit of patience? I don't know.

I know that I want a child more than just about anything in the world. I guess this is where perseverance comes in, but it's hard to have any when your body doesn't feel good.

**TMI***

I have been bleeding for 12 days.

It's this wimpy bleeding, that doesn't require anything but a pantyliner, and I feel like I'm wasting one when I use it. Every once in awhile I will bleed a bit more, but only occasionally.
**************
I am just very down in my spirit right now. I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I haven't been able to bounce back from the negative pregnancy test last Friday. I am so very frustrated. And heartsick. And not satisfied with myself at all. Oh, not to mention my hormones are an absolute wreck right because I keep forgetting to take my meds. I cry at the drop of a hat, and once I start crying, it's difficult to stop.


I am ridiculously bloated, and I feel like a fat heifer. I haven't made any permanent weight lost past the ten pounds, simply because I got sick of trying so dang hard. It's a little difficult to drink a ridiculous amount of water every day when you're running around after delinquent kids.

I'm going to kind of take a break from blogging about my journey. I thought it would be therapeutic and cleansing, and while at times it is, lately it hurts to be this vulnerable as well. I'm tearing up as I type this, because it's just painful to dwell on the negative pregnancy test and focus on how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to conceive.

Pray for me please. I am really struggling through this to get to the other side. I guess it would be one thing if it was just that I am struggling with conceiving...but having a stressful job that is currently not fulfilling me.... it's just a little too much right now.

So, how's that diet going?

I figured I'd better explain before I'm asked.

Well...it hasn't been going so well.
I have been limiting my portions still, but I haven't been paying as much attention about WHAT I eat. I almost wish that my curse of being sick all the time from Metformin would come back. After all, the sickness would only happen when I ate something that probably wasn't the greatest for me.

I've been doing fairly well with Breakfast. I usually eat an apple and it will last me for the majority of the morning. I'm also trying to at least drink 32 oz of water a day. But, when it comes to lunch and dinner...I continue to have issues with what to make and eat. We have eaten out quite a bit in the last two weeks.

I have yo-yo'd from 10 pounds to 12 pounds to 13 pounds lost. I haven't seen the 13 pounds lost mark in about a week...so, in a way, I'm maintaining the 10 pounds I lost, but I'm not making any headway. This is also due to the fact that I haven't been exercising.

This week is a new week. I kick-started my exercising again on Saturday by taking an hour and a half walk at Pinson mounds, complete with going up and down the stairs to the largest mound, sprinting at times (we had our puggles with us) and walking briskly.

So, on Monday, I really need to go to the gym. I'm going to have to make myself some way or another. You would think that if I wanted a baby so badly, I would be working my tail off (literally) to lose as much of this weight as possible.

I guess I have experienced extreme frustration because I'm not seeing immediate results. Although the Metformin is supposed to eventually bring back my natural cycle...it hasn't yet. This is month 5 without a period. And I am just so dang frustrated. My ob/gyn told me that we can't pursue other methods of fertility until I have had one year of normal cycles. What she meant is basically all of the cycles I have not had a period have been a waste, and cannot be counted toward a full year of trying to conceive. So, basically, I can only account for December to March. Four months. So, once I DO get a regular cycle, if I am still having significant problems, they won't be addressed until another eight months down the line.

Of course, she also told me we would talk about Clomid* next time I come in on September 21st. I don't want the run around. I am going to all but demand they give Clomid, along with something to kick start my period. The longer I go without a cycle, the worse it's going to be. The longer I go, the more likely it will be a cycle that will put me out of work for at least a day. And I can't really afford that, because I don't have enough sick days accumulated due to having to use so many when I first got on Metformin. I have to accumulate a total of 6 sick days by October 31st, and I still have another sick day I'm going to need to take due to my appointment on September 21st. I have been apprehensive in the past about taking something to kick start my period. I've wanted to regulate it naturally. But pretty soon, it will mean I've only had a period for half of the year...which is just not healthy or good anyway.

*For those of you that don't know, Clomid is a medication that is taken to help me ovulate. Obviously, because I am not having periods, I am not ovulating. My body is having issues ovulating like a normal female. If I don't ovulate, there is no possible chance I can become pregnant.
Now, although I would be thrilled that my possibility of pregnancy would be increased through taking Clomid, I am NOT so thrilled about the side effects, which include:
breast pain, bloating, hot flashes (hot flashes...seriously? seriously?...) enlargement of ovaries (which can be painful), nausea, and headache. From what I came across on webmd.com, enlargement of the ovaries is the most common side effect.

Oh, and did I mention Clomid can possibly increase the likelihood of multiples? Not that I mind that at all. Once I become pregnant, I won't care how many are in my belly...just as long as they're healthy! But it is something to think about and wonder how the situation would be handled.

So anyway, this week is a new week. I'm going to start exercising again and start caring about what I eat. PLEASE keep me accountable. I need it.

Falling into pieces

Today was not a good day.

I don't know why hearing certain people or people in certain situations are pregnant, bothers me more than others in different situations. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with the people, and has more to do with how my day has gone. 

I had a crazy hectic day (well, crazy hectic week) and I feel like I can't ever get my head above water, water which distinctly resembles mounds of paperwork. Couple that with having a two hour meeting at work entitled as file audits, but carefully disguised. It's really "let's make Ashley cry and make her feel like she can't do anything right. Let's tell Ashley that she's not detailed enough and that if she wants to be a GOOD case worker, she will try everything she can to have no life and instead worry worry worry about taking all the staples out of documents and making sure her file is perfect." 

My job is stressful on a number of levels. First, you have the simple fact that you can have up to 18 cases, all of which you are completely 100% responsible for. Even at 11 cases, I am sinking fast. Then, any case you have that is a problem case, you should automatically count those as more than one case, because the trouble that they give you is at least two cases worth of work. I have at least three serious trouble cases. Oh, and by the way, these are cases in which often, my supervisor can honestly say "I have never had to deal with that before." Oh joy. Now, I have learned that all of your kids that are in the Juvenile Justice population are going to give you trouble. Many a time I have thought that a child I got on my caseload would be "no trouble", only to be sitting in a meeting with all of his teachers a couple of weeks later. So the trouble I'm talking about is out of the ordinary stuff; freakishly weird stuff; it's adding stress to an already stressful situation. I am also a state employee. I am responsible for so much more than typical social workers. This is a government job, therefore we are subject to random audits, scrutiny, etc. Even if you aren't audited regularly, it still puts stress on you with the possibility of someone auditing you. And that stress is so much more than the stress of simply losing your job. It's someone looking at you and saying "what in the heck were you thinking? You have not helped this child at all! This child will have more of a screwed up life because of you!" (Not that this will ever happen, but doesn't the possibility of that happening make you shudder and go into overdrive? I know I do). I'm not known as being the most responsible person. I seriously probably had sippy cups until I was 7 due to the fact that I could never hold a drink without spilling it. And yet now, all of a sudden, because I'm graduated and have a degree, I'm supposed to be able to make all these decisions and be responsible for human beings? This is so much more than just being a parent. It's like being a parent after the child has been out of your life for 17 years. That's scary. Especially when you have bigger people looking down at you and monitoring what decisions you make.

Finally, this job is stressful and hard because sometimes, the things I hear from the children really make me want to fall apart. I have heard stories of children watching family members bleed to death on the sidewalk after being pumped full of bullets. It's just all too much. I heard one of these stories today, and I kept asking God "why, oh why do you let your children suffer so? Why are they allowed to experience such pain and violence before they're even old enough to graduate?" 

I will admit, I actually got a bit angry with God today. I just don't understand Him. I think what makes me most angry is that, in situations like that, you cannot tell someone "that was God's plan." That would be absurd. So, how can I believe it was?

And at the end of a day like today, to find out someone is pregnant after a ridiculousy short amount of time...well, it's just a little too much. I have this issue where, if I know the couple has been trying for a long time, I am overjoyed for them. But, instead, if it's more of a "wow, we didn't expect to get pregnant; we weren't even trying. We haven't even struggled over getting pregnant," thing...I can't help but be bitter. And angry. And hurt. And I again struggle with believing this is God's plan.

I feel so cheated out of everything. It depresses me that I have to "prep" my body to grow life. It is so much of an ego blow. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (which, let's face it, there is) and makes me feel like less of a woman. I struggle with really feeling horrible about myself, thinking that one of the most natural things a woman is designed to do, I struggle with doing it. Sometimes I wonder why the women who desire the most, with everything in them, to conceive....seem to have the most difficult time? 

I cannot tell you when I started fantasizing about my future children. I'm sure I was a child myself. I would always watch my baby cousins and was known to have a "special touch" with most of them. I have read time and time again on facebook, and even babycenter, women complaining about getting little to no sleep, morning sickness, or even simply the chaos of having children. I am sure those who are struggling with getting pregnant can agree...doesn't that just make you want to slap the person in the face? What I wouldn't give to experience morning sickness, lack of sleep, and chaos, all at once! And just think,  I haven't even been struggling with conceiving for as long as a lot of women with infertility issues. I don't know where they get their strength from. When Wesley and I were trying very hard to conceive, with every negative pregnancy test, I would literally crumple up and sob. It was such a difficult time. I know that if and when my cycles get regulated, I'm going to be right back there again, and I'm scared of how painful it's going to be. 

What I do know is I am going to try my very hardest to never utter a complaint when I'm pregnant. I want to rejoice and be content and cherish it. I want to remember what it took to get me to that point. Most of all, I want my child to know how wanted it was. How its mother would pray and cry and ache, waiting for her arms to be filled with its little body. I am often reminded of that scene in 'Facing the Giants'... tell me, what is impossible with God? 

I am working through feelings of bitterness and hurt. I never expected to have issues with getting pregnant, although it was always a major fear of mine. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be just my luck, me, the person who cannot see a baby without going up and touching its little fingers, would have problems with fertility." It seems like the epitome of irony. It feels cruel, as if I am being cheated out of something already very dear to my heart. 

Breaking through the walls...

Ok, so the diet thing hasn't been going so well. I ate a McDonald's meal today; I'm not going to lie. I disgust myself. 

It all started really with me not going to the gym. My niece and nephew came to visit, and I wasn't able to go to the gym the whole week they were here. After that, I started my medication, and it threw me for a loop trying to get used to it. 

I then got tired of worrying about everything all the time. Weight, food, exercise, etc. Why couldn't I be like other girls my age, and eat whatever, and not have to worry about it? I became resentful. Then I started just not caring at all. 

Not that I've gone crazy, by any means, because my stomach has shrank due to not eating as much. Also, my meds still only allow so much However, I'm not being near as consistent as I was before. 

It's so exhausting, really. Especially whenever, despite what the scale says, I don't feel that heavy. I don't really think I lookas heavy as I am either. I have the wonderful blessing of being able to hide my weight well due to my bone structure and build. However, I am, and if I care about my health, I need to do whatever it takes to slim down fairly fast. If I care about having a baby, I will try my hardest to lose the weight and get healthy. 

That's another thing I am SO frustrated about.

I still have not gotten my period. It's been almost five months now. I know I haven't been on this medication for a full month yet, but I can't help being impatient and upset. I watched a few vlogs on youtube in which girls were on Metformin, and still had to be given medication to kick start their period. I am SO afraid of that. I'm SO afraid that I will NEVER be able to ovulate on my own. That really really scares me. I don't want to have to rely on medication for me to have a normal cycle. The reason I'm afraid that this might be my case is because, although I had a period for the first few months off of birth control, that might have been simply because the birth control was still in my system. It's scary when you don't ovulate, because then there's the potential of all of these little cysts accumulating in your ovaries, which, if they get big enough, can be very painful and lead to surgery if necessary. 

I really am convinced the majority of my issues are due to weight. I've never not had a period, and certainly not for this long. In addition, I've never been this heavy. It just seems to make sense.

On the brightside, I went shopping for the first time in a long time on Saturday. And I found pants in a size smaller than what I've been wearing! (granted, the band of the pants are stretchy, but still!) Now, that doesn't mean I can go around and around trying on that size expecting them all to fit, but it was a glimmer of hope despite my unsuccessful weeks lately. 

Anyway, if you think about it, just be in prayer for me, that I will be able to continue. I've gotten to the point where "healthy" things make me feel sick. Seriously. And I have no idea how to get past that, because I hate feeling sick to my stomach.

Bleck, bleck, bleck.

I feel like I'm having a major fat day.

My stomach feels twice as big as usual. I'm doing the low carb thing, so today I had rice krispies for breakfast, and made hamburger patties for lunch. I didn't feel so good after eating the hamburger patties. I felt like they were loaded with grease, and that didn't make me feel like I'm doing any good at all. I know that it probably is, especially with me eating the less carbs...but it sure doesn't feel like it.

I might be feeling crappy today also due to eating over my recommended daily intake of sodium yesterday. Even though I was well below my calories, the sodium was through the roof (thank you, hot dogs and movie popcorn). I have noticed when I eat sodium, I tend to bloat very easily.

I know I've just got to keep persevering, but sometimes, it's difficult. And I get bitter. Bitter that there are so many women out there that can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Women that are ridiculously fertile and at 23 are already on their second baby.

But I can't get caught up in that, because I can only work with what God has given me. I guess I sometimes feel like I've been given a crappy deal. But only God knows what is in store for my life.

About before and after pictures...

I really want to do this, but I'm so afraid that I won't be able to tell a difference. Is that silly? Like right now. Even though I have, at this point, lost 10 pounds, I don't feel like I look any different. Well, I think my legs and butt are skinnier, but other than that...not a whole lot.

However, I know that it has made a difference. I think I am going to keep a record of highlights I have noticed due to losing weight.

Highlights of my weight loss thus far:

1) I can now put my wedding band and engagement ring on my finger without first having to use lotion to make sure it slides on instead of getting stuck halfway down my finger. This is a huge accomplishment, because my tight rings made me feel sad.

2) I feel like my double chin is significantly less noticeable. I am afraid to post before and after pictures for fear that it's all in my head.

3) One pair of jeans that were unwearable are now tight, but wearable.

4) I've lost an ohsolittle bit of back fat. I don't have too much, but I acquired a little and it made me really sad.

Frustrations:

1) I still have my pudgy, pregnant looking stomach. Still have to hide it with a big shirt.

2) I acquired stretch marks on my stomach from my significant weight gain since being off of the pill.

3) My chin still gathers up underneath my face when I look down at something, creating a huge double chin.

Ah, oh well. Just keep losing, just keep losing...