Breaking through the walls...

Ok, so the diet thing hasn't been going so well. I ate a McDonald's meal today; I'm not going to lie. I disgust myself. 

It all started really with me not going to the gym. My niece and nephew came to visit, and I wasn't able to go to the gym the whole week they were here. After that, I started my medication, and it threw me for a loop trying to get used to it. 

I then got tired of worrying about everything all the time. Weight, food, exercise, etc. Why couldn't I be like other girls my age, and eat whatever, and not have to worry about it? I became resentful. Then I started just not caring at all. 

Not that I've gone crazy, by any means, because my stomach has shrank due to not eating as much. Also, my meds still only allow so much However, I'm not being near as consistent as I was before. 

It's so exhausting, really. Especially whenever, despite what the scale says, I don't feel that heavy. I don't really think I lookas heavy as I am either. I have the wonderful blessing of being able to hide my weight well due to my bone structure and build. However, I am, and if I care about my health, I need to do whatever it takes to slim down fairly fast. If I care about having a baby, I will try my hardest to lose the weight and get healthy. 

That's another thing I am SO frustrated about.

I still have not gotten my period. It's been almost five months now. I know I haven't been on this medication for a full month yet, but I can't help being impatient and upset. I watched a few vlogs on youtube in which girls were on Metformin, and still had to be given medication to kick start their period. I am SO afraid of that. I'm SO afraid that I will NEVER be able to ovulate on my own. That really really scares me. I don't want to have to rely on medication for me to have a normal cycle. The reason I'm afraid that this might be my case is because, although I had a period for the first few months off of birth control, that might have been simply because the birth control was still in my system. It's scary when you don't ovulate, because then there's the potential of all of these little cysts accumulating in your ovaries, which, if they get big enough, can be very painful and lead to surgery if necessary. 

I really am convinced the majority of my issues are due to weight. I've never not had a period, and certainly not for this long. In addition, I've never been this heavy. It just seems to make sense.

On the brightside, I went shopping for the first time in a long time on Saturday. And I found pants in a size smaller than what I've been wearing! (granted, the band of the pants are stretchy, but still!) Now, that doesn't mean I can go around and around trying on that size expecting them all to fit, but it was a glimmer of hope despite my unsuccessful weeks lately. 

Anyway, if you think about it, just be in prayer for me, that I will be able to continue. I've gotten to the point where "healthy" things make me feel sick. Seriously. And I have no idea how to get past that, because I hate feeling sick to my stomach.