Side effects.

Hot flashes...check
Nausea...check
Tiredness like I have gotten run over by a semi repeatedly....double check.
Emotions a mess...check!


These symptoms coupled with dealing with juvenile delinquents cannot make for a good attitude. Ugh.

Clomid is pretty brutal. I thought this month it would be ok. I don't know how I thought this, since the first dosage of Clomid left me reeling a little, but I was trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be one of these people that jump at the first chance of what might be "side effects." I've always been a good medicine taker, actually. Never really had any side effects from medicine besides a little sleepiness.

But I think I'm convinced fertility medication is COMPLETELY different from regular medication. Duh.

Anyway, I started off the meds with little problems. But I took my last pill last night, and it seems like it's starting to hit hard.

There is a sliver of good news in this. I am OFF Wednesday, courtesy of working a state job and having off for Veteran's day.

***

I'm thinking of giving up after this whole Clomid business is over. I'm just so sick of pumping my body with medicine. As it is, I take four pills of Metformin a day, plus my vitamin. So, because of this last round of Clomid, I was taking 7 pills a day, including my vitamin! That is insane. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 20th, and I'm going to ask her what my options are after we try the Clomid. I wish they would skip all of this and just go straight to an IUI, as I am starting to doubt our ability to conceive children without help with timing and such. Though we did what the doctor said last month, obviously it did not produce a baby. So it leaves me with doubts and fears and apprehension. Then I also think of all the statistics that say that women with PCOS have increased fertility the older they get. And although I have never wanted to be an "older" mother (never, never, never, NEVER), the thought of waiting a while and having a baby naturally as opposed to pumping all these pills into my body sounds slightly appealing.

I start to wonder if I haven't gotten it all wrong. Maybe God is...preventing me from getting pregnant. Maybe it's not time right now. I heard a sermon not too long ago that said that we can't trust our feelings, we must go with God's voice. I have FELT it is time for a baby, but is it? The problem with that theory is that rarely do I hear God's voice instructing me on where to go, what to do. But I keep wondering why, if I want this so badly, is God witholding it from me? Is it because we're supposed to be doing something else right now? Or to produce fruit of patience? I don't know.

I know that I want a child more than just about anything in the world. I guess this is where perseverance comes in, but it's hard to have any when your body doesn't feel good.

Dissapointment, mixed in with some relief.

So... my cycle showed up...on Halloween, of all days... 3 days early?!

The upside is that I actually started without needing any pills to kick start it.
The downside is that for a second there, due to feeling pains I hadn't felt before, I thought maybe there might be something different going on. I swear, I think I've felt ovulation pains before, but these pains felt worse...so I narrowed it down, tried not to get too anxious, and prayed that maybe my hopes would come true.

I'm hoping this really is a cycle. But yet, it seemed to only last two days...so I'm not sure if it counts or not. I'm going to call the dr's office and try to talk to my dr. If this is considered my cycle, I have got to get another prescription for Clomid. Onto 150 mg...

Awkwardness...

Ok, so it's been determined that I probably currently have a corpus luteum.

Taken from that link: "The corpus luteum, which means yellow body in Latin, is what is left of the follicle after a woman ovulates."

The doctor basically said this gnawing, aggrivating pain is actually a GOOD thing! Who knew?

Because, it means that most likely....the Clomid did the job!!! It helped me ovulate!!! I have ovulated!!!!

Now, I don't take a doctor's word as gospel, but when I told him that anytime I "jarred" the left side of my body (i.e. my left leg hitting the ground as I walked) it's pretty uncomfortable, he thanked me for using a clinical term and said that it helped him determine, along with the exam, that he is almost positive that is what this is. He said that probably since I'm not used to ovulating, the corpus luteum is probably irritated right now. So, basically, we have two possibilities for what will happen:

the corpus luteum will cyst over or

the corpus luteum will assist in producing a baby by continuing to release progesterone.

Why is this entitled "Awkwardness?" Because I DID get examined.

In his defense, he actually was very gentle and I had no real discomfort at all except when he was pushing down on my abdomen to feel for possible cysts. He was actually kind of awkward about the whole thing, and it made it easier for me, lol. It was really funny, because after the exam, I'm sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my bottom half, and he starts to explain what the Corpus Luteum is, and then halfway through his explanation, he stopped abruptly and was like "I'm going to let you get dressed." Wesley said it was as if halfway through the explanation, he realized how long it was, and so he thought about how I'd probably like to get my clothes on before he continued.

***

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't know if it's because I'm getting more sleep because I'm tired or what. Me and vivid dreams do not go well together. When I was younger and I would have a vivid dream that J.T.T. and I would live happily ever after, I would wake up and burst into tears. And I'd be depressed for at least a day.

I feel like I'm back in grade school again.

The first dream was that I had a baby girl. I've had pregnancy and birth dreams before, but never as vivid as this. I remember exactly what the baby looked like in the dream. Her facial features were so defined. It was so vivid, when I woke up, I looked around for my baby. It was insane.

The dream I had last night has left me depressed, and I probably will be for days. It's like nothing I've ever dreamed before.

I dreamt that somehow, my dad came back. That it was a mistake, and he wasn't really dead. He had been trying to get back to us all along, but it had taken him 23 years to do so. He came back to us. I can still see his smiling face and feel what it was like to have him hug me, and hold me, and tell me that everything was ok and that he would never leave again. I talked to him about how much I was like him, and how even though he hadn't been in my life, I had missed him so very much. He re-proposed to my mother in front of the family, and life just seemed so....complete. So wonderful. And then I woke up.

I have never had a dream about my dad coming back, or being presently in my life. And I don't understand what brought it on. But the dream seems like some cruel joke. When I woke up, still half asleep, I expected to find him somewhere in this world. I expected him to only be a phone call away. The only good I have from that dream is that for a split second, I knew what it felt like to coexist in this world with my dad. And I guess that is worth the heartache it brought when I realized it was a dream.

Then I started thinking, how would I handle it if my dad just magically appeared in my life? To be completely honest and vulnerable, I really feel like I would just cling to him and not let him go. At 23, I would literally crawl in his lap, rest my head on his shoulder, and stay there. It has made me realize how much not having a father could have had the potential to screw me up. I think it did in some way, which is why I bounced from relationship to relationship, searching for that fatherly love. But I didn't downwardly spiral as much as I could have. I have God to thank for that, as well as an amazing family who surrounded me in love. I guess I just wish I had some memory of him. Some way to recall his touch, his smile, his laugh...anything. I just don't understand why he had to go so soon. It's really strange; the older I get, the more I feel this unquenchable thirst to know who my dad was. To be in possession of everything that had a connection to him. To collect the memories of him from others. To piece the puzzle together, to somehow have a glimpse of who he was.

I don't usually talk about these things. But it's on my mind so much this morning.

Scary.

I have had this weird pulling sensation in my ovaries/uterus since yesterday. It has intensified today. It seems like the only relief I get is when I sit down at my desk. Even still, I can still feel dull cramping. When I walk around, it constantly feels like something is being pulled.

I called the doctor's office to speak to my doctor, but she was not in today, and after describing to the nurse what is going on, she set me up for an appointment and said that I needed to get in and be looked at. Despite the fact that I have a follow up appointment already scheduled during the first week of November.

Can we say scary? I'm hoping it's nothing major, but it was concerning enough to call the doctor's office. I've heard too many stories of overstimulated ovaries and such that scare me too badly.

What's worse is the doctor that is in today is...a male. I really, really feel uncomfortable about a male examining me. Being examined period is not fun. I have a feeling they're going to do that oh so invasive internal exam again, where they take pictures of my ovaries. Oh goody.

What a great Monday.

Please pray for me, that everything will turn out all right and I will figure out what is going on.

Here we go...

For those that follow curiously, I officially started my cycle on Saturday!!!!

After six months of no cycle, I am now regular! (for now, anyway). The Provera worked!

Let me tell you, it has come back with a vengeance. I'm trying to be strong and not throw back the Aleve like I usually do...so far, this cycle has been pain medication free, lol. I've also heard that birthing contractions are like intensified period cramps, so I'm trying to get used to all of that.

Anyway, so this means I will start Clomid on Wednesday, which is our 1 year, 5 month anniversary, lol.

Here's to hoping this is our lucky month!!!

Update. And God is AWESOME.

Just a brief update on me.

I had my appointment with my ob/gyn today. I took a pregnancy test, and it was of course negative. I expressed to her my frustrations with not having a cycle since March, and not knowing where in the heck I am in ovulation and cycles due to bleeding for two weeks. She explained that bleeding in between periods is actually pretty common for PCOS because of the irregularity of the periods.

So, I have been placed on Provera to kick start my period. Yay!! I take it for ten days, and after the ten days is over, if it works, I will have a period. Finally!!! I haven't been this happy at the prospect of having a period since I was 11, lol.

Then, on day five of my period, I will begin taking Clomid!!! (!!!!!)
(I have provided links for both for you all that are curious) I am starting at 50 mg. My ob/gyn told me that the Jackson Clinic only likes to give Clomid in three month increments, so if no results are seen by the end of October or Early November (my first month on Clomid) then we will increase the mgs to 100. She told me that we don't want to waste time since I can only be on it for three months, and I definitely agree.

***

I know that God is the only one who can resolve my fertility issues, but it does make me more hopeful to know that A) I will have a period within the next month, making this next month an actual month to try to conceive successfully, and B) Clomid has SO many success stories.

God has been moving in my heart.

The other night, I felt this overwhelming need to get on my knees and just cry out to God with everything in me about what's going on with me. I have felt so depressed lately and completely defeated. So, I prayed, had a good cry, and then afterward, I felt another overwhelming need to read the Bible. I said a little prayer and flipped the Bible open to a random page, something I tend to do a lot when I feel lost and confused. The page landed in Song of Solomon, and I was definitely surprised. My eyes immediately went to a section in the middle of a verse, which is very unlike me because I always start reading from the beginning of the verse. Yet this time, I didn't. Here is the verse, and the first sentence my eyes went to is what is in bold:

Song of Solomon 6:6

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
Which have come up from the washing;
Every one bears twins,
And none is barren among them.

I kid you not, the first sentence my eyes read was the sentence in bold. How awesome is that? I was in absolute awe of how specific the verse was. Now, I don't believe I'm going to have twins necessarily, but for the verse to say "NONE is barren among them"...I just felt God saying to me "you will NOT be barren. Trust me, daughter."

I then flipped the pages again and came to Matthew 9, which talks about many miracles Jesus bestowed, and what jumped out to me were these verses:

Matthew 9: 27-29
When Jesus departed from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out and saying "Son of David, have mercy on us!"
And when He had come into the house, the blind men came to Him. And Jesus said to them
"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
They said to Him "Yes, Lord."
Then He touched their eyes, saying
"According to your faith, let it be to you."

I just heard God saying to me "you have to believe in order to receive this miracle that I want to give you!" It humbled me and left me in complete and utter reverence.

I have not been believing in the power of God for a while. I'm not sure why. Perhaps part of it is that I have honestly been mad at God and angry with Him for making me wait. Yes, it is selfish and immature, but it is an honest emotion I have had, and still struggle with.

It is something that I am working through, and as always, I ask you to pray that I would be able to have faith in our wonderful God, who has a plan and timing for everything under the sun.