Awkwardness...

Ok, so it's been determined that I probably currently have a corpus luteum.

Taken from that link: "The corpus luteum, which means yellow body in Latin, is what is left of the follicle after a woman ovulates."

The doctor basically said this gnawing, aggrivating pain is actually a GOOD thing! Who knew?

Because, it means that most likely....the Clomid did the job!!! It helped me ovulate!!! I have ovulated!!!!

Now, I don't take a doctor's word as gospel, but when I told him that anytime I "jarred" the left side of my body (i.e. my left leg hitting the ground as I walked) it's pretty uncomfortable, he thanked me for using a clinical term and said that it helped him determine, along with the exam, that he is almost positive that is what this is. He said that probably since I'm not used to ovulating, the corpus luteum is probably irritated right now. So, basically, we have two possibilities for what will happen:

the corpus luteum will cyst over or

the corpus luteum will assist in producing a baby by continuing to release progesterone.

Why is this entitled "Awkwardness?" Because I DID get examined.

In his defense, he actually was very gentle and I had no real discomfort at all except when he was pushing down on my abdomen to feel for possible cysts. He was actually kind of awkward about the whole thing, and it made it easier for me, lol. It was really funny, because after the exam, I'm sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my bottom half, and he starts to explain what the Corpus Luteum is, and then halfway through his explanation, he stopped abruptly and was like "I'm going to let you get dressed." Wesley said it was as if halfway through the explanation, he realized how long it was, and so he thought about how I'd probably like to get my clothes on before he continued.

***

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't know if it's because I'm getting more sleep because I'm tired or what. Me and vivid dreams do not go well together. When I was younger and I would have a vivid dream that J.T.T. and I would live happily ever after, I would wake up and burst into tears. And I'd be depressed for at least a day.

I feel like I'm back in grade school again.

The first dream was that I had a baby girl. I've had pregnancy and birth dreams before, but never as vivid as this. I remember exactly what the baby looked like in the dream. Her facial features were so defined. It was so vivid, when I woke up, I looked around for my baby. It was insane.

The dream I had last night has left me depressed, and I probably will be for days. It's like nothing I've ever dreamed before.

I dreamt that somehow, my dad came back. That it was a mistake, and he wasn't really dead. He had been trying to get back to us all along, but it had taken him 23 years to do so. He came back to us. I can still see his smiling face and feel what it was like to have him hug me, and hold me, and tell me that everything was ok and that he would never leave again. I talked to him about how much I was like him, and how even though he hadn't been in my life, I had missed him so very much. He re-proposed to my mother in front of the family, and life just seemed so....complete. So wonderful. And then I woke up.

I have never had a dream about my dad coming back, or being presently in my life. And I don't understand what brought it on. But the dream seems like some cruel joke. When I woke up, still half asleep, I expected to find him somewhere in this world. I expected him to only be a phone call away. The only good I have from that dream is that for a split second, I knew what it felt like to coexist in this world with my dad. And I guess that is worth the heartache it brought when I realized it was a dream.

Then I started thinking, how would I handle it if my dad just magically appeared in my life? To be completely honest and vulnerable, I really feel like I would just cling to him and not let him go. At 23, I would literally crawl in his lap, rest my head on his shoulder, and stay there. It has made me realize how much not having a father could have had the potential to screw me up. I think it did in some way, which is why I bounced from relationship to relationship, searching for that fatherly love. But I didn't downwardly spiral as much as I could have. I have God to thank for that, as well as an amazing family who surrounded me in love. I guess I just wish I had some memory of him. Some way to recall his touch, his smile, his laugh...anything. I just don't understand why he had to go so soon. It's really strange; the older I get, the more I feel this unquenchable thirst to know who my dad was. To be in possession of everything that had a connection to him. To collect the memories of him from others. To piece the puzzle together, to somehow have a glimpse of who he was.

I don't usually talk about these things. But it's on my mind so much this morning.