Update. And God is AWESOME.

Just a brief update on me.

I had my appointment with my ob/gyn today. I took a pregnancy test, and it was of course negative. I expressed to her my frustrations with not having a cycle since March, and not knowing where in the heck I am in ovulation and cycles due to bleeding for two weeks. She explained that bleeding in between periods is actually pretty common for PCOS because of the irregularity of the periods.

So, I have been placed on Provera to kick start my period. Yay!! I take it for ten days, and after the ten days is over, if it works, I will have a period. Finally!!! I haven't been this happy at the prospect of having a period since I was 11, lol.

Then, on day five of my period, I will begin taking Clomid!!! (!!!!!)
(I have provided links for both for you all that are curious) I am starting at 50 mg. My ob/gyn told me that the Jackson Clinic only likes to give Clomid in three month increments, so if no results are seen by the end of October or Early November (my first month on Clomid) then we will increase the mgs to 100. She told me that we don't want to waste time since I can only be on it for three months, and I definitely agree.

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I know that God is the only one who can resolve my fertility issues, but it does make me more hopeful to know that A) I will have a period within the next month, making this next month an actual month to try to conceive successfully, and B) Clomid has SO many success stories.

God has been moving in my heart.

The other night, I felt this overwhelming need to get on my knees and just cry out to God with everything in me about what's going on with me. I have felt so depressed lately and completely defeated. So, I prayed, had a good cry, and then afterward, I felt another overwhelming need to read the Bible. I said a little prayer and flipped the Bible open to a random page, something I tend to do a lot when I feel lost and confused. The page landed in Song of Solomon, and I was definitely surprised. My eyes immediately went to a section in the middle of a verse, which is very unlike me because I always start reading from the beginning of the verse. Yet this time, I didn't. Here is the verse, and the first sentence my eyes went to is what is in bold:

Song of Solomon 6:6

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
Which have come up from the washing;
Every one bears twins,
And none is barren among them.

I kid you not, the first sentence my eyes read was the sentence in bold. How awesome is that? I was in absolute awe of how specific the verse was. Now, I don't believe I'm going to have twins necessarily, but for the verse to say "NONE is barren among them"...I just felt God saying to me "you will NOT be barren. Trust me, daughter."

I then flipped the pages again and came to Matthew 9, which talks about many miracles Jesus bestowed, and what jumped out to me were these verses:

Matthew 9: 27-29
When Jesus departed from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out and saying "Son of David, have mercy on us!"
And when He had come into the house, the blind men came to Him. And Jesus said to them
"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
They said to Him "Yes, Lord."
Then He touched their eyes, saying
"According to your faith, let it be to you."

I just heard God saying to me "you have to believe in order to receive this miracle that I want to give you!" It humbled me and left me in complete and utter reverence.

I have not been believing in the power of God for a while. I'm not sure why. Perhaps part of it is that I have honestly been mad at God and angry with Him for making me wait. Yes, it is selfish and immature, but it is an honest emotion I have had, and still struggle with.

It is something that I am working through, and as always, I ask you to pray that I would be able to have faith in our wonderful God, who has a plan and timing for everything under the sun.

**TMI***

I have been bleeding for 12 days.

It's this wimpy bleeding, that doesn't require anything but a pantyliner, and I feel like I'm wasting one when I use it. Every once in awhile I will bleed a bit more, but only occasionally.
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I am just very down in my spirit right now. I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I haven't been able to bounce back from the negative pregnancy test last Friday. I am so very frustrated. And heartsick. And not satisfied with myself at all. Oh, not to mention my hormones are an absolute wreck right because I keep forgetting to take my meds. I cry at the drop of a hat, and once I start crying, it's difficult to stop.


I am ridiculously bloated, and I feel like a fat heifer. I haven't made any permanent weight lost past the ten pounds, simply because I got sick of trying so dang hard. It's a little difficult to drink a ridiculous amount of water every day when you're running around after delinquent kids.

I'm going to kind of take a break from blogging about my journey. I thought it would be therapeutic and cleansing, and while at times it is, lately it hurts to be this vulnerable as well. I'm tearing up as I type this, because it's just painful to dwell on the negative pregnancy test and focus on how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to conceive.

Pray for me please. I am really struggling through this to get to the other side. I guess it would be one thing if it was just that I am struggling with conceiving...but having a stressful job that is currently not fulfilling me.... it's just a little too much right now.

Pray, pray, pray for me.

I am going to go crazy these next few days. 

Well, first of all, Jessi or Kristin, if you read this all, let me know when in the heck I should take a pregnancy test to put me out of my misery.

Anyway, to explain that random outburst... 

I apparently was coming down with something. I think it's a cold. I started feeling sick yesterday and today it's gotten better, but definitely a cold.

***TMI ALERT***

since this is my blog which chronicles what's going on in my quest to get pregnant, I have to share all. So, if those of you who are close friends don't feel like getting to know me in a very personal way, now is the time to stop reading. I will include stars at the conclusion of my TMI area.

Today, I had brown/pinkish mucous spotting. Well, I don't know if you could even call it...spotting. More just like brown/light pink mucous discharge, which I've heard is a sign of implantation bleeding. I am freaking out right now. It has been a very small amount though, and i haven't had any cramps, just twingy pain, which I'm used to since I have that often. But, I haven't had blood in five freaking months, so I am majorly getting worked up about this. 

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What I highlighted in the above paragraph is that I could have possibly had implantation bleeding today. I have NO clue if this is it or not, but all I know is that how it looks points to that it is. Of course, what I really need to know is for about how long implantation bleeding lasts. I'm not getting clear answers on the net, but I think I'm going to go on over to babycenter.com and browse the message boards.

I really need prayer right now, because of course my mind and heart are two steps ahead of what's actually going on. Me suffering from a cold could potentially be a sign of pregnancy as well, as some women do get colds when they are first pregnant. Of course again, I don't know really how early they have colds. I am jumping ahead of course, because I am a major dreamer. I need prayer that I will be able to calm down and wait for a bit before I make myself go crazy.

Basically, from what I just pulled up, I would need to wait two weeks after this possible implantation bleeding before I can test for pregnancy. Are these people NUTS? I'm supposed to wait around for two weeks? Oh my goodness. 

I'm really lost, because I've never gotten this far. I don't even know when to expect my period since my cycle has been so out of whack, so I wouldn't even know when to expect it unless I expected it around my normal time, which would be around the 28th or so. 

That's my little rant. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to babycenter. 

Pray for me. 

Negative, #...

Negative.

I can't figure out why I've had a tension headache for three days and felt feverish for the same amount of days.

I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to, and going to the doctor can't really fit in my schedule today, since we will be on our way to Mississippi. 

I wish whatever it is would go away and stop faking me out. 

It would have been really nice, too. (Besides the obvious reasons for it being nice) I'm only going in for an hour today for a team meeting, and it would have been nice to have a miracle announcement, and especially since we're travelling to see my family. 

*sigh* When you see so many negatives,  you really begin to lose hope. 

Almost nine months and counting.  

Maybe I should work at Wal-Mart

I had the most fabulous shopping experience ever at Wal-Mart today.

I went to pick up some eyeliner, and this sweet Southern woman stopped me and said "Can I ask your opinion on something?"

I nodded and smiled, and she began with "I just noticed that you're wearing blush, and my daughter has recently told me that I should wear blush..."

Now, let's stop right there. First of all, I wasn't wearing blush. My cheeks were apparently flushed due to walking briskly around the store and also feeling a bit feverish lately. But it was too cute, and I didn't want to make her feel bad or self-conscious by correcting her, so I didn't. I just nodded and pretended I was wearing blush.

But she continues with these comments. 

"I was thinking something natural. Yours looks so natural (she had no idea, haha) and pretty and I don't want anything too bold. I was looking at these other colors and I think they're a little too dark."

I told her the one in her hand looked like it would work well, and to put it on lightly. 

She then asked me a direct question. "Yeah, I'm thinking I like this pink one. Is that pretty much what you have on?"

I felt so bad saying yes, but I didn't want to hurt this poor lady's feelings. Plus, I was in too deep at this point. So... I said yes. She thanked me for helping her, and I told her she looked fine the way she was, haha. I'm surprised I pulled this off, because I'm a horrible liar. I felt so bad, but I didn't feel the need to repent since me lying was better than embarassing the poor lady and making her feel awkward. At least, this is what I'm currently telling myself. 

So then, I am walking toward the shampoo aisle to get some hair gel, and I get stopped by someone else, this time an adorable old black man who reminded me of Morgan Freeman. 

He explained he needed another set of eyes and that he was looking for ibuprofen. He had been looking for a liquid version, but after much searching, I could only find the pill version of it. He then explained that his 16 year old daughter was home due to nausea and chills, and that the pharmacy had told him to pick up some ibuprofen and pepto bismol. He looked lost when referring to the pepto bismol, so I told him to wait right there while I happily went a few aisles down to get it for him. I then suggested he get some Sprite to help her with the nausea and asked if he had crackers at home. He said he did. I told him to give her the medicine and that if she wasn't better in a few hours, to take her to the doctor due to swine flu going around. He thanked me.

Well, miraculously, my next stop was right over where the drinks were. I heard a little voice (I believe it was God) telling me "Why don't you go over there and pick up a two liter of Sprite and bring it to the man?" Somehow, even though that store was fairly big, I knew I was going to run into the man. So, I picked up the two liter and headed to the section where he originally was. I ran into him about a minute later, in a completely different aisle. He lit up when he saw that I had brought the Sprite to him. I explained that I had been near the drinks anyway, and told him I hoped his daughter felt better. 

It made my heart swell being able to help these people today, and it is honestly the most useful I have felt in a while. God is so good.

So, maybe I just need to work at Wal-Mart... =) 

On the flipside, I have had a consistent headache for three days, and I have been exhausted for three days.

So, I am going to take a pregnancy test in the morning. I happen to have one left from the dollar tree.

I don't expect it to be positive, and I'm going to try my hardest not to get my hopes up. 

But, if it's negative, I may need to go to the doctor. It feels like I'm coming down with something. I am usually never this exhausted during consecutive days.

This is the part that I hate, because I know a part of me will be dissapointed and frustrated if it's negative. 

But I just have to know. 

Wishful thinking..

Ok, I have exactly fifteen minutes to get to work, and I'm typing a quick blog. 

I think I'm going to be late. Oh well. 

So, the past two nights I've taken my Metformin late, so I'm chalking it up to that so I don't get my hopes up. Anyway, I have been  TIRED TIRED TIRED lately. I'm talking feeling like I'm on some allergy meds. 

But of course, me trying to conceive, I can't help but wonder "what if this tiredness is really more, as in, one of the most common signs of pregnancy?" 

I know, I'm making this much more difficult for myself. 

Oh, and of course, Wesley and I went out to eat with a couple who is expecting, and she's in the early stages. Well, she started talking about how she gets up to pee at least once a night now, and Wesley says "Well, Ashley does that now!" And the girl said "Really?" And I said "Well yeah, but it's mostly because I get really thirsty right before I go to bed and I end up drinking a lot of water." And of course, she says the inevitable.... me too!

Now, that is just not kind. Because I will then analyze over and over again and question the possibility of me being pregnant. Yes, the thirst before bed has become a recent thing, and when she talked about having a thirst that's never quenched, I thought "that is SO me." 

But, I am so sick and tired of seeing negatives on pregnancy tests that I can't even bring myself to try to test. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up and having them dashed into pieces. So, I'm praying that if this is the REAL deal, it will become evident before I test. But, I highly doubt I'm pregnant.

One can wish, though. Say a little prayer for me that I can make it through this loooong day.