So, how's that diet going?

I figured I'd better explain before I'm asked.

Well...it hasn't been going so well.
I have been limiting my portions still, but I haven't been paying as much attention about WHAT I eat. I almost wish that my curse of being sick all the time from Metformin would come back. After all, the sickness would only happen when I ate something that probably wasn't the greatest for me.

I've been doing fairly well with Breakfast. I usually eat an apple and it will last me for the majority of the morning. I'm also trying to at least drink 32 oz of water a day. But, when it comes to lunch and dinner...I continue to have issues with what to make and eat. We have eaten out quite a bit in the last two weeks.

I have yo-yo'd from 10 pounds to 12 pounds to 13 pounds lost. I haven't seen the 13 pounds lost mark in about a week...so, in a way, I'm maintaining the 10 pounds I lost, but I'm not making any headway. This is also due to the fact that I haven't been exercising.

This week is a new week. I kick-started my exercising again on Saturday by taking an hour and a half walk at Pinson mounds, complete with going up and down the stairs to the largest mound, sprinting at times (we had our puggles with us) and walking briskly.

So, on Monday, I really need to go to the gym. I'm going to have to make myself some way or another. You would think that if I wanted a baby so badly, I would be working my tail off (literally) to lose as much of this weight as possible.

I guess I have experienced extreme frustration because I'm not seeing immediate results. Although the Metformin is supposed to eventually bring back my natural cycle...it hasn't yet. This is month 5 without a period. And I am just so dang frustrated. My ob/gyn told me that we can't pursue other methods of fertility until I have had one year of normal cycles. What she meant is basically all of the cycles I have not had a period have been a waste, and cannot be counted toward a full year of trying to conceive. So, basically, I can only account for December to March. Four months. So, once I DO get a regular cycle, if I am still having significant problems, they won't be addressed until another eight months down the line.

Of course, she also told me we would talk about Clomid* next time I come in on September 21st. I don't want the run around. I am going to all but demand they give Clomid, along with something to kick start my period. The longer I go without a cycle, the worse it's going to be. The longer I go, the more likely it will be a cycle that will put me out of work for at least a day. And I can't really afford that, because I don't have enough sick days accumulated due to having to use so many when I first got on Metformin. I have to accumulate a total of 6 sick days by October 31st, and I still have another sick day I'm going to need to take due to my appointment on September 21st. I have been apprehensive in the past about taking something to kick start my period. I've wanted to regulate it naturally. But pretty soon, it will mean I've only had a period for half of the year...which is just not healthy or good anyway.

*For those of you that don't know, Clomid is a medication that is taken to help me ovulate. Obviously, because I am not having periods, I am not ovulating. My body is having issues ovulating like a normal female. If I don't ovulate, there is no possible chance I can become pregnant.
Now, although I would be thrilled that my possibility of pregnancy would be increased through taking Clomid, I am NOT so thrilled about the side effects, which include:
breast pain, bloating, hot flashes (hot flashes...seriously? seriously?...) enlargement of ovaries (which can be painful), nausea, and headache. From what I came across on webmd.com, enlargement of the ovaries is the most common side effect.

Oh, and did I mention Clomid can possibly increase the likelihood of multiples? Not that I mind that at all. Once I become pregnant, I won't care how many are in my belly...just as long as they're healthy! But it is something to think about and wonder how the situation would be handled.

So anyway, this week is a new week. I'm going to start exercising again and start caring about what I eat. PLEASE keep me accountable. I need it.

It really is a good excuse.

Hormones.

Mine are out of whack right now.

I always thought that this was a pathetic excuse women used to justify their complete out of control emotions. That it was more due to lack of self-discipline and due to pure self-wallowing that caused women to cry at the drop of a hat. I had some times where I would cry, but it would usually take a lot of thought and pondering, and I had to be hurting pretty bad to cry fairly fast.

And then I started taking this medication. The medication is meant to regulate my hormones. But, of course, in the process, my hormones are changing and adjusting and such.

I cry at the drop of a hat now. Seriously.

As I type this, I am teary-eyed from a country song that came on my Pandora station. I guess I should know better then to listen to country alone while working late.

Oh, and one thing that will ALWAYS...and I mean, ALWAYS get me, is the quote:

"Because, after all, a person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Man, I am about to lose it just now as I read it.

We watched "Horton Hears a Who" last night. I held back tears throughout the whole thing, really, but anytime that quote was said...I couldn't help but cry. Oh, and I literally wanted to bawl at the very end, when little Jo Jo finally found his voice...aw, man. That just killed me. If it weren't for Wesley being in the room, I would have lost it.

So, you see, all of these things are adding up to this whole "hormone" excuse. I really am a crazy wreck right now.

Falling into pieces

Today was not a good day.

I don't know why hearing certain people or people in certain situations are pregnant, bothers me more than others in different situations. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with the people, and has more to do with how my day has gone. 

I had a crazy hectic day (well, crazy hectic week) and I feel like I can't ever get my head above water, water which distinctly resembles mounds of paperwork. Couple that with having a two hour meeting at work entitled as file audits, but carefully disguised. It's really "let's make Ashley cry and make her feel like she can't do anything right. Let's tell Ashley that she's not detailed enough and that if she wants to be a GOOD case worker, she will try everything she can to have no life and instead worry worry worry about taking all the staples out of documents and making sure her file is perfect." 

My job is stressful on a number of levels. First, you have the simple fact that you can have up to 18 cases, all of which you are completely 100% responsible for. Even at 11 cases, I am sinking fast. Then, any case you have that is a problem case, you should automatically count those as more than one case, because the trouble that they give you is at least two cases worth of work. I have at least three serious trouble cases. Oh, and by the way, these are cases in which often, my supervisor can honestly say "I have never had to deal with that before." Oh joy. Now, I have learned that all of your kids that are in the Juvenile Justice population are going to give you trouble. Many a time I have thought that a child I got on my caseload would be "no trouble", only to be sitting in a meeting with all of his teachers a couple of weeks later. So the trouble I'm talking about is out of the ordinary stuff; freakishly weird stuff; it's adding stress to an already stressful situation. I am also a state employee. I am responsible for so much more than typical social workers. This is a government job, therefore we are subject to random audits, scrutiny, etc. Even if you aren't audited regularly, it still puts stress on you with the possibility of someone auditing you. And that stress is so much more than the stress of simply losing your job. It's someone looking at you and saying "what in the heck were you thinking? You have not helped this child at all! This child will have more of a screwed up life because of you!" (Not that this will ever happen, but doesn't the possibility of that happening make you shudder and go into overdrive? I know I do). I'm not known as being the most responsible person. I seriously probably had sippy cups until I was 7 due to the fact that I could never hold a drink without spilling it. And yet now, all of a sudden, because I'm graduated and have a degree, I'm supposed to be able to make all these decisions and be responsible for human beings? This is so much more than just being a parent. It's like being a parent after the child has been out of your life for 17 years. That's scary. Especially when you have bigger people looking down at you and monitoring what decisions you make.

Finally, this job is stressful and hard because sometimes, the things I hear from the children really make me want to fall apart. I have heard stories of children watching family members bleed to death on the sidewalk after being pumped full of bullets. It's just all too much. I heard one of these stories today, and I kept asking God "why, oh why do you let your children suffer so? Why are they allowed to experience such pain and violence before they're even old enough to graduate?" 

I will admit, I actually got a bit angry with God today. I just don't understand Him. I think what makes me most angry is that, in situations like that, you cannot tell someone "that was God's plan." That would be absurd. So, how can I believe it was?

And at the end of a day like today, to find out someone is pregnant after a ridiculousy short amount of time...well, it's just a little too much. I have this issue where, if I know the couple has been trying for a long time, I am overjoyed for them. But, instead, if it's more of a "wow, we didn't expect to get pregnant; we weren't even trying. We haven't even struggled over getting pregnant," thing...I can't help but be bitter. And angry. And hurt. And I again struggle with believing this is God's plan.

I feel so cheated out of everything. It depresses me that I have to "prep" my body to grow life. It is so much of an ego blow. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (which, let's face it, there is) and makes me feel like less of a woman. I struggle with really feeling horrible about myself, thinking that one of the most natural things a woman is designed to do, I struggle with doing it. Sometimes I wonder why the women who desire the most, with everything in them, to conceive....seem to have the most difficult time? 

I cannot tell you when I started fantasizing about my future children. I'm sure I was a child myself. I would always watch my baby cousins and was known to have a "special touch" with most of them. I have read time and time again on facebook, and even babycenter, women complaining about getting little to no sleep, morning sickness, or even simply the chaos of having children. I am sure those who are struggling with getting pregnant can agree...doesn't that just make you want to slap the person in the face? What I wouldn't give to experience morning sickness, lack of sleep, and chaos, all at once! And just think,  I haven't even been struggling with conceiving for as long as a lot of women with infertility issues. I don't know where they get their strength from. When Wesley and I were trying very hard to conceive, with every negative pregnancy test, I would literally crumple up and sob. It was such a difficult time. I know that if and when my cycles get regulated, I'm going to be right back there again, and I'm scared of how painful it's going to be. 

What I do know is I am going to try my very hardest to never utter a complaint when I'm pregnant. I want to rejoice and be content and cherish it. I want to remember what it took to get me to that point. Most of all, I want my child to know how wanted it was. How its mother would pray and cry and ache, waiting for her arms to be filled with its little body. I am often reminded of that scene in 'Facing the Giants'... tell me, what is impossible with God? 

I am working through feelings of bitterness and hurt. I never expected to have issues with getting pregnant, although it was always a major fear of mine. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be just my luck, me, the person who cannot see a baby without going up and touching its little fingers, would have problems with fertility." It seems like the epitome of irony. It feels cruel, as if I am being cheated out of something already very dear to my heart. 

Breaking through the walls...

Ok, so the diet thing hasn't been going so well. I ate a McDonald's meal today; I'm not going to lie. I disgust myself. 

It all started really with me not going to the gym. My niece and nephew came to visit, and I wasn't able to go to the gym the whole week they were here. After that, I started my medication, and it threw me for a loop trying to get used to it. 

I then got tired of worrying about everything all the time. Weight, food, exercise, etc. Why couldn't I be like other girls my age, and eat whatever, and not have to worry about it? I became resentful. Then I started just not caring at all. 

Not that I've gone crazy, by any means, because my stomach has shrank due to not eating as much. Also, my meds still only allow so much However, I'm not being near as consistent as I was before. 

It's so exhausting, really. Especially whenever, despite what the scale says, I don't feel that heavy. I don't really think I lookas heavy as I am either. I have the wonderful blessing of being able to hide my weight well due to my bone structure and build. However, I am, and if I care about my health, I need to do whatever it takes to slim down fairly fast. If I care about having a baby, I will try my hardest to lose the weight and get healthy. 

That's another thing I am SO frustrated about.

I still have not gotten my period. It's been almost five months now. I know I haven't been on this medication for a full month yet, but I can't help being impatient and upset. I watched a few vlogs on youtube in which girls were on Metformin, and still had to be given medication to kick start their period. I am SO afraid of that. I'm SO afraid that I will NEVER be able to ovulate on my own. That really really scares me. I don't want to have to rely on medication for me to have a normal cycle. The reason I'm afraid that this might be my case is because, although I had a period for the first few months off of birth control, that might have been simply because the birth control was still in my system. It's scary when you don't ovulate, because then there's the potential of all of these little cysts accumulating in your ovaries, which, if they get big enough, can be very painful and lead to surgery if necessary. 

I really am convinced the majority of my issues are due to weight. I've never not had a period, and certainly not for this long. In addition, I've never been this heavy. It just seems to make sense.

On the brightside, I went shopping for the first time in a long time on Saturday. And I found pants in a size smaller than what I've been wearing! (granted, the band of the pants are stretchy, but still!) Now, that doesn't mean I can go around and around trying on that size expecting them all to fit, but it was a glimmer of hope despite my unsuccessful weeks lately. 

Anyway, if you think about it, just be in prayer for me, that I will be able to continue. I've gotten to the point where "healthy" things make me feel sick. Seriously. And I have no idea how to get past that, because I hate feeling sick to my stomach.

On the sunnyside...

Breakfast today was pretty great. I actually had time to sit down, and I had:

1 slice of healthy life white bread topped with cinnamon sugar and butter
4 pieces of Oscar Mayer bacon

Crazy as it seems, it lasted me until 12. Of course, I was in a meeting from 9:15 to 10:30, so it distracted me somewhat, but still.

Lunch was one cup of Chunky vegetable beef soup. My stomach began to turn just as I was finishing it, but I consider it an accomplishment that I finished it! Then I had strawberry jello for dessert.

Dinner becomes the hardest meal of the day.
I have NO idea what to cook.
Our staple meals are usually:
Hamburger helper
mac n cheese
spaghetti... (do you see a trend here?)
lasagna
skillet meals that have pasta and chicken
chicken strips and french fries

Wow, looking at that list, no wonder I had issues with carbs. It doesn't help that I have a stressful/busy/crazy job which leaves me with little energy for inventive meals.

So, when you take all of that away...and you couple that with the fact that I am SO SICK of skinless chicken breast... you wonder what else is there? Especially when you grocery shopped for the month before deciding to go low carb.

So, my question to you is:

what is your favorite thing to make that is healthy, low carb, little to no prep, and tasty?

Please put the recipe in your comment, or at least give me some ideas. I am by no means a culinary expert (as I've mentioned before) so simple and easy is the best for me, haha.

[Please and thank you. I know the girls that read this are great cooks, so I'm excited to learn new things!]


On another weird and perhaps scary note, I've noticed today that my kidneys are...aching. (At least, I believe they are my kidneys due to looking at a human map online). It's by no means excruciating. It's a very dull ache, and not constant. I searched a little, and found that there is at least one thread on the web that notes a PCOS girl having slightly aching kidneys after upping her Metformin dosage.
Um... that's a little, scary?

The woman said that once she decreased her dosage and increased it again, she was fine. But I really really really really just want to get through this week, because then I will be on the official recommended dosage.

This is further proof that I don't want to be on this medicine for my whole life. There's no telling what it could end up doing to my kidneys. It appears that there's been no link to Metformin and kidney problems...yet. But it's one of those things that could come out years from now.

In other news, one of my good guy friends and his wife became pregnant several months ago. They found out recently that it's a girl.

Upon finding this out yesterday, I had my first heartsick emotions in a while.

I know that when I do finally become pregnant, I will be happy with whatever gender my precious child is. But, Wesley and I would really really really love to have a girl first.
I struggle being scared (and full of self-pity) that, because my life has been full of dissapointments (pathetic, right? this is so not true...but that is the self-pity part of this), that when we do get past this infertile period, I will try and try for a girl, and will end up with a house of like, four boys.

This is when I get scared.
I mean, seriously. All I can think about is 'Home Improvement', and what Jill had to deal with having three boys in the home (basically four, because her husband was like a big kid). What a nightmare!

I did read an article recently that talked about a woman who has tried so long to have a girl, and kept having boys, and the small heartache she went through. But then someone told her something encouraging: God has entrusted you to raise Godly men. He has given you so many boys because he knows you will raise them as Godly men and leaders.

I thought that was a happy little spin to a potentially depressing situation.

I think once I become pregnant, these thoughts will go on the back burner, and I will be content with whatever.

But oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have an adorable little girl with curly dark brown hair and gorgeous big brown eyes? I can already see her in my head, actually. She's beautiful.

One step at a time. :)

What's left?

I'm developing food aversions.

Right now, it makes me sick to even think of these foods, but I want to document it...so I'm going to brave through this.
-eggs
-chicken and tuna salad
-yogurt (this is a new development, but I could barely get it down this morning)

Who knew that this medicine could make me have food aversions?

Also, I didn't get very far through lunch today.
Wesley took me out for lunch, and I sat down at Dixie Castle to a beautiful meatloaf, mashed potatoes (the rest of my carbs for the day) pinto beans, and cole slaw. I was so happy to actually be eating REAL food. I think I actually did a little dance in my seat as I savored the first bite.

I got a few more bites into it and started feeling nauceous.
I got a to-go box, dangit.

Oh, and randomly, when I woke up this morning, I weighed myself for the first time since...Wednesday? and I have lost another three pounds.
I blinked several times to make sure I was reading it correctly.

It could be though that yesterday was not good to me in the slightest, and I probably easily drank a liter of water and then some.

I can see how people lose weight on this medicine; when you're nauceous all the time, it's difficult to gain!

But hey, I'm not complaining too terribly bad...right? I'm happy that this medicine is going to hopefully help me get down to a healthy weight and also regulate my insulin.

I'm just sad I can't enjoy my comfort foods like I used to.

Ugh...

Just when I thought I would be ready for the increase in my Metformin dosage...the side effects decide to come back with a vengeance.

I WILL go on to 2000 mg. I WILL. The sooner I get used to the highest dosage, the better.

This could be a rough week.

I just made an omelette, for the first time...ever.

Pretty impressive, wouldn't you say? I added ground beef to it and put salsa on top of it. Yum.

I learned via Julia Child. Word to the wise: when she says put it on high heat, it's probably better to put it on just above Medium heat, or else put your butter in the pan immediately after it begins to get hot. I had the pan hot for awhile, and so when I put the butter in the pan, it created quite a smoky mess.

Here's a not so secret secret: my culinary skills are lacking.
I only know a few staple items, and I have NO idea how to cook anything from scratch.
I grew up with a mother that had a few staple items, but mostly used frozen entrees and such. There are two things my mother didn't really teach me how to do:

cook and apply makeup

Have you ever looked at those girls that have gorgeous makeup on, and wondered "how in the heck do they do that?" Like, the whole layering of the eyeshadow. You know what I'm talking about: where there's one shade on the very top of the brow, and another shade on the lid? I can't remember how many times I've tried this trick, but it just doesn't work! It might just be my eyelids, though. Maybe they're not big enough.

Anyway, back to cooking... I also of course made hamburgers yesterday for close to the first time. It didn't start off so well.

Isn't it true that if the kitchen is smoky, you're probably doing something wrong?
Wesley swears that it's just due to our little kitchen having no ventilation, but I'm starting to wonder if he was simply being chivalrous.

I have a feeling I have many smoke-billowed kitchens in the future, especially now that I'm doing this whole low carb thing.

Maybe I'd better invest in a fire extinguisher. You know. Just in case.

Bleck, bleck, bleck.

I feel like I'm having a major fat day.

My stomach feels twice as big as usual. I'm doing the low carb thing, so today I had rice krispies for breakfast, and made hamburger patties for lunch. I didn't feel so good after eating the hamburger patties. I felt like they were loaded with grease, and that didn't make me feel like I'm doing any good at all. I know that it probably is, especially with me eating the less carbs...but it sure doesn't feel like it.

I might be feeling crappy today also due to eating over my recommended daily intake of sodium yesterday. Even though I was well below my calories, the sodium was through the roof (thank you, hot dogs and movie popcorn). I have noticed when I eat sodium, I tend to bloat very easily.

I know I've just got to keep persevering, but sometimes, it's difficult. And I get bitter. Bitter that there are so many women out there that can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Women that are ridiculously fertile and at 23 are already on their second baby.

But I can't get caught up in that, because I can only work with what God has given me. I guess I sometimes feel like I've been given a crappy deal. But only God knows what is in store for my life.

About before and after pictures...

I really want to do this, but I'm so afraid that I won't be able to tell a difference. Is that silly? Like right now. Even though I have, at this point, lost 10 pounds, I don't feel like I look any different. Well, I think my legs and butt are skinnier, but other than that...not a whole lot.

However, I know that it has made a difference. I think I am going to keep a record of highlights I have noticed due to losing weight.

Highlights of my weight loss thus far:

1) I can now put my wedding band and engagement ring on my finger without first having to use lotion to make sure it slides on instead of getting stuck halfway down my finger. This is a huge accomplishment, because my tight rings made me feel sad.

2) I feel like my double chin is significantly less noticeable. I am afraid to post before and after pictures for fear that it's all in my head.

3) One pair of jeans that were unwearable are now tight, but wearable.

4) I've lost an ohsolittle bit of back fat. I don't have too much, but I acquired a little and it made me really sad.

Frustrations:

1) I still have my pudgy, pregnant looking stomach. Still have to hide it with a big shirt.

2) I acquired stretch marks on my stomach from my significant weight gain since being off of the pill.

3) My chin still gathers up underneath my face when I look down at something, creating a huge double chin.

Ah, oh well. Just keep losing, just keep losing...

I've lost a human head plus 2 pounds!

I stole this from http://musingsofmrsmount.blogspot.com.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony


Haha, what fun stuff. And to think, at the end of all of this, I will have hopefully lost a small bale of hay.

Now, this is where it gets interesting...

I have to admit, I hit a brick wall yesterday.
I don't know what happened, but suddenly, the idea of "healthy" food literally made me sick to my stomach.

I've been ingesting oatmeal, chicken salad, tuna salad, salad, salad, salad for a while now. When I went to make my lunch yesterday morning, I literally gagged at the thought of making another chicken salad concoction (even talking about it now is making me queasy). It doesn't help that this medicine has now transferred from running through my system too quickly (I know, I know, tmi, right?) to making me quite nauseous most of the time. It's hard to catch a break.

So...I have to confess it...
I had a McDouble and a small fry yesterday...and BOY, was it GOOD. However, afterward, my body quickly rejected it. I had another off day today, but luckily, the quantity wasn't a lot, so there's a good chance I still managed to stay within my calorie intake.

I talked to my good friend Jerica on the phone today. She had some very exciting news to tell me (she's pregnant!) and we got to talking about my diagnosis of PCOS and the linking of it to diet. She and her husband have been eating right for a while now, and she actually works at a health food store. They also have their own farm and are selling meats, poultry, etc from it. They believe that most illnesses and conditions can be cured by a change in diet, and I have to agree. I expressed to her that I don't want to stay on this medication for the rest of my life, and I would like to be cured of PCOS. She stated she has researched PCOS and strongly believes that if one just changes their diet, besides losing weight, it will cause the PCOS symptoms to go away.

Long story short, she's going to really try to help me eat right. She told me "we are going to try to get you off this medicine as soon as possible." Boy, did that make me feel EMPOWERED. What's really interesting is what her definition of eating right is. It's definitely unconventional.

72 g of carbs a day. All the saturated fat I want, because since it sustains longer, I will not eat as much of it as I would if I were eating carbs. 1 piece of fruit a day. Focus on veggies and meats. Lots of water and raw milk. No fruit juices. She swears by this, and managed to lose 12 pounds in two weeks by making these dietary adjustments.

Now, I know she probably has a higher metabolism than me, but still...that's a lot of weight to not be starving myself on granola and yogurt. I can have BACON! and STEAK! and EGGS! etc. (of course, I must incorporate yogurts and stuff as well, and not go overboard on the saturated fats). The approach is that if you eat your meats first, you will fill up faster and not eat as much. I'm sure there's more technical reasons, but that's the way I can explain it.

She stated the biggest misconception is that fat in food makes you fat. She says this is just not true, and it's actually the carbs that are making Americans fat. It makes sense, if you ask me, due to how my ob/gyn explained how the body breaks down carbs versus other things. I'm currently supposed to be on a low carb, low sugar diet anyway. So! I am excited about this new chapter in my life!

She has given me a couple of ideas to start off with as far as foods and such.

Also, I think Wesley and I will soon become raw milk drinkers.
It's true.

I've been hearing from many different people for a while now that raw milk is best for you, and that the store-bought milk can actually be harmful. There are so very many health benefits to raw milk. I told Jerica I was a little scared to start, because I was afraid I would get sick. She explained that they currently sell raw milk and haven't had one complaint from first time drinkers. However, she did state that many people have had problems once going from raw milk back to store-bought milk...which really leads me to believe there's so many things in store-bought milk that shouldn't be in there.

So, I'm going to track down a farm and buy from them...illegally, haha. They can only sell it as "pet milk", because it's illegal to sell it for humans to consume. How silly is that? Black marker milk! Supposedly, there's a farm in Jackson. I'm really actually pretty excited about this!

I will let you know how it goes.

Exercising has been placed on the back burner this week, because my current dosage of Metform (1500 mg) has really hit me hard. I have no energy it seems, so it's hard to get to the gym. I'm hoping it gets better.

No aunt flo at this point yet. I have never been so ready for my period in my life. Getting my period means I'm one step closer to conceiving.

I feel like I'm 11 again, hanging on the possibility of menses so I can consider myself a "woman."

Oh dear.

Fruit and veggie intake...

I don't know if you can see that, but it's the recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables per day. I didn't know there was such a thing. (I know about the food pyramid of course, but I didn't realize there was a table that broke it down into cups!)

Less active women in our age range (19-30):

less active: 1.5 cups fruit, 2.5 cups veggies
moderately active: 2 cups fruit; 3 cups veggies
active: 2 cups fruit, 3 cups veggies

I thought fruit was free game for me in these steps toward healthy living. That appears to not be so.

1 cup of grapes= 16 grapes=104 cals. Now, that wouldn't be that bad, except that this one itsy bitsy measly cup also has... oh, 27 grams of carbs! On the Atkins diet, the recommended intake the first two weeks is 20 grams a day. So, if I were on the Atkins diet, then I would have already spent ALL of my carbs, and then some, on 16 grapes.

I'm trying my hardest to shy away from carbs. It's so hard to believe that one cup of grapes has more carbs in it than 4 oz of yogurt.

The good thing I've begun to notice is, now that I'm staying away from caffeinated drinks, sweets, etc., I'm starting to notice I have a lower tolerance for it. In fact, when Wesley and I went shopping yesterday, I had to buy oj with 50% less sugar because when I try to drink it in the morning, it's too sweet for me!

I'm praising God about this. I just hope I don't fall back into bad habits like before.

I am just two pounds away from losing 10 pounds!!! YAY!!!

Why the new blog?

So, the obvious next step is to explain why on earth I created another blog.

Let me back track some.

Wesley and I have been fervently praying for awhile that God would reveal His plan for our future, at least, the immediate future. There were several options that we could go with:

1. grad school for me + leaving jackson
2. leaving jackson + grad school
3. staying in jackson + grad school (not really thought about)
4. leaving jackson-grad school
5. staying in jackson-grad school
6. Going across the country with Dusty and Darlene in 2010 or 2011

As you can see, these options are not the most workable, especially when you haven't a clue what in the heck you're supposed to do. I heard this message preached by someone in which they described that the "lamp unto our feet" thing that Jesus said was just that; a lamp would only light one step in front of the other. A lamp doesn't provide a view from here to Mississippi, in other words. I believe the reason why this has stuck with me for so long, when I've heard so many messages since then, is because God wanted to remind me that this was His plan for my life. This might make Wesley and I more flexible than most couples, because since God works in a way in which He doesn't provide us much of a picture for what is planned for the future, we are simply in a constant limbo of "waiting." Not cool for someone like me who likes to see what's in her future.

However, Wesley and I started recently praying, with the intention of actually BELIEVING that God would reveal plans to us.
The other day, Wesley got our answer.

Work had ended early for the day, and so Wesley took his Bible and drove to Union to watch the sunrise from one of the many benches on campus. He was facing the road near the entrance that has a patch of land across the road. He was silently praying and reading, waiting to hear from the Lord. He told me he remembered sitting there for a good while, just listening for God. Out of nowhere, he saw three deer, two adults and one baby, on the patch of grass. The baby was frolicking (cheesy word, but only way I can describe it based on what he told me) about, happy and care-free, and at one point, even jumped over its mother's back. He said it was one of the coolest sights he'd ever seen, and it confirmed in His heart what God told him at that moment.

We are to remain in Jackson through the birth of our first child.

Wesley wrote nearly two pages that just came to him as he sat there. A portion of this, which was actually written before he saw the family of deer, reads:

"Lord, I need direction to lead. I need a plan to follow. I need a vision to see and no money to borrow. I need provisions to provide a sense of urgency to subside with all the clarity of the sky, with no obstructions in my eye. I will wait on you. I will not step another step on my own accord unless you lead me to things I can afford."

Thirty minutes later, when he saw the deer, he wrote:

The young one is overjoyed as it jumps with glee over its mother's back and around the bend of the hill as the mother stands still, never swaying from her job at hand, eating from the land, the grass of the field, to the oncoming traffic, they yield a desire to cross the street, they are content to eat just where they are--not far from where I sit wondering if this is it. My sign from heaven. They are still there though I can hardly see what lies ahead for all three. Only time will show where they will go as they grow into what God only knows to be their destiny."

Now, anyone who knows me can probably figure out I am not exactly overjoyed at this. I even asked Wesley a couple of times after this if he was...sure. He has been very firm about it.



Let's couple this with what I've felt God telling me lately.
I feel like I will become pregnant sooner than these PCOS procedures will lead others to believe. I may be completely absorbed in wishful thinking, but ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have had this amazing peace from God. I have felt God telling me more and more that I will become pregnant...well, soon. My goal is to try to get this 50 pounds of weight off first, but believe me, I will take whatever I can get, haha.

I have silently struggled through the conceiving process, and most people don't know that I actually joined a trying to conceive board back in February to help myself not go crazy. It actually caused me to become more crazy, and I had to cut down my involvement in it. What made it worse was that I became semi-close with three other ladies that were trying to conceive, and now they are all currently pregnant. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test once I stopped having my period in April, hoping, praying, obsessing about being pregnant. When I went to the Women's Clinic in May, half believing I was pregnant, I was devastated when the blood test came back negative. I was even more devastated with how the gynecologist handled my worries about my absence of a period. In July, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS, after much suspicion.

What surprised me the most was how I handled it. It wasn't this earth-shattering thing that I thought it would be. Instead, I felt the peace of the holy spirit wash over me. I hadn't felt His presence that strong in quite a while, and I knew that this was His plan. I then began hearing words of encouragement that I would indeed conceive, and that I only needed to "get myself healthy" for a baby.

God is God, and He certainly has the freedom to change the timetable of us conceiving, but right now, I don't feel it is too far down the road.

Also, while I was originally following the rabbit trail of Master's education, unless my dependent Veteran's benefits will pay past the age of 23, a Master's is not something for the immediate future. Wesley and I have a lot of school debt accumulated, and I couldn't realistically imagine us adding more to that at this point. Also, Wesley made a good point which aimed my goals toward a different direction: why would we focus immediately on my master's education, when we are planning on having children soon, and we plan to have me stay at home with the kids? Also, in my planning for my master's education, I never once actually asked Wesley what he thought.

[I'm definitely still getting the hang of this marriage thing.]

So, that is where we are at this point in our lives. Please pray for us, that God will continue to speak as strongly to us as He has recently. We need His voice ever-present in our ears, or we risk trying to take over everything with our own desires.

Now, back to the question: why the new blog?

This blog is going to chronicle my journey through PCOS, infertility, and weight loss. It is also putting the fact out in the open that as of right now...Wesley and I are definitely TRYING TO CONCEIVE! It will begin loosely. The methods will kick up a notch the more weight I lose, as I know that a pregnancy is easier the smaller you are.
So, there you are.

Stick around. This is going to get interesting....

My OCD self caused me to need to create a new blog.

My obsession with categorizing things is becoming a bit ridiculous.

You'd think due to this trend, that I'm really an organized person. That's just not true. I am an otter to the core, if you've taken the animal test. I am scatterbrained and cluttered. But, for some reason, there are a few areas that I am quote "organized" in. These would be:

playlists. I have at least 10 created on playlist.com, and each are different. Even if this means I only have 5 songs on one playlist, then that's just how it is.

blogs. Xanga is the exception. Since I have blogged on xanga on again, off again since Freshman year, it had always been a journal to just voice my thoughts. It is still that. But, as some can attest to, once I created an account on blogger, I began changing my blogs fairly regularly. I just can't stand to have an actual blog on blogger.com, and it not be themed.

journals. I'm just not someone who can keep a journal and jot down whatever thoughts come to my mind (unless of course, internally, I have decided that the journal will be a journal for whatever thoughts come to my mind). If this is not declared upon first writing in the journal, it will not become that. And I will fill up approximately 5.5 pages before I will decide that it is too frustrating to have a journal without a theme. Also, the journal has to look similar to whatever theme it is. For example, if I were taking a trip to India, I would want a journal that looked Indian-themed. I would love to have a shelf of journals and be able to tell what section of my life they were from according to their designs.
(Of course, the side note is, I also have a phobia of writing in journals because I think my handwriting doesn't deserve any place besides a generic notebook).

That's all I can think of at this moment. I will let you know when I think of some more.

Anyway, this obsession may mean that I will post up to three posts in one day with different titles. I simply feel I won't be able to keep up blogging on a "blog" unless I first A) state the purpose of this blog and B) break each post into one topic so that I can stay focused. I may say screw this completely and decide to make it a 2nd "whatever flows into my head will go onto the page" type blog. But if that happens, don't expect much from this blog. Because I will get frustrated, and retreat back to xanga.

Wow, that was rather wordsy. Why don't we just get on with it?