News from the dr's appointment...

Well, hmmmm...I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I can just walk through my dr's appointment from beginning to end. That seems most appropriate.

So, the dr. came in and I asked her what are the next steps after we conclude the Clomid process. First of all, she told me that she doesn't want to increase my Clomid to 150 mg because a) that is the highest dosage and b) if I am ovulating, she doesn't see that being necessary. I can understand that, and I appreciate it, because I was quite fearful of what 150 mg would hold when 50 and 100 have been fairly hard. She also told me that if I wanted, we could do more than 3 months of Clomid, but usually by then we move on to other things. She explained the next step would be...well...

**TMI** (seriously...TMI until I write "end TMI", so get ready for it)

For my husband to do a sperm sample to determine if he has a normal sperm count. This makes me a bit...anxious? We are Christians and have obvious convictions, and since I knew my dr. was a Union graduate, I figured she'd understand my next awkward yet completely necessary question I asked... can we gather a sample at home? Looking back on this, it probably sounds completely ridiculous and I should probably be embarassed that I asked this, but still! Anyway, she said that it depended on how far we live away from the clinic, but since we only live about 5 minutes away, it should be no problem. So, that's good. Wow. This is awkward to blog about, but it's part of my update from my dr.'s appointment, so I guess I had to share.

***end TMI***

Anyway, so I asked about the ultrasound in which they examine my ovaries to see if I've produced follicles to determine if I've ovulated. Normally, women on Clomid have these every month to make sure the Clomid is working. Since this is month 2 on Clomid and no ultrasound has been scheduled, I figured that I needed to ask about this.
The next part will probably seem completely obvious for veteran TTCers, but for me, I had no idea.

So, apparently, insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments. The dr. explained this is because insurance companies don't see fertility efforts as necessary and are therefore not covered (um, HELLO! What, are all insurance companies run by MEN?!)

So, any fertility efforts from this point on...will not be covered by insurance.
This includes the follicle ultrasound, any IUI, sperm eval, etc.
WOW. W-O-W.

She printed me out a sheet that breaks down all of the costs of different fertility options.

She explained that instead of having an ultrasound to check my follicles (which is around, oh, $600-700 dollars a pop!!!) that we would do a blood sample which would check my progesterone level and indicate whether or not I've ovulated. I'm going in today at 4:00 for that.

So, basically after checking my husband's fertility end of things, we would then look at having an IUI. Which would then probably require the follicle ultrasound. The IUI is around $300, and the follicle ultrasound is of course $600-$700.

So, to sum it up, basically... if this Clomid doesn't work, then I will have to be dishing out over $1,000 a try for a baby.

I really, REALLY need this Clomid to work.

***

I am so very discouraged. We can't afford to do that every month. No way at all. Maybe once, and then wait a few months...but this waiting game is driving me insane.

I am just so very discouraged. I don't think I've let it sink in yet.

Why on earth should it be so hard to have a baby? Why, why, WHY?!

I really need to feel the strength of others' prayer right now, because I am just about to lose it.

Wow. I really didn't realize how much this hurts until I blogged about it.

I have good news and bad news (considering blogging)

The bad news: I just can't function blogging randomly on this blog. It just really doesn't work for me. I'm so sorry if it becomes more cumbersome to follow my thoughts by jumping back and forth between two blogs, but I hope that you will be able to do so and still leave me the comments I love so much.

The good news: I think I'm going to use my old writing blog, Second Story Silhouettes, for this. Of course, there is that slight possibility I will become neurotic again and feel like "no, that's for my writing ideas, so I must create ANOTHER blog"....but I hope this won't be the case. I really do. I want to mix both writing ideas and random blogging.

We'll see how this goes.

So, follow me! http://secondstorysilhouettes.blogspot.com

New blog?

I'm starting to wonder if I need to create a new blog.

I feel like this blog kind of oppresses me due to its basic concept. Perhaps I need to have another blog for my random bloggy goodness. And especially since I've been feeling frustrated and disappointed lately with the trying to conceive process, it feels like every post is complaining. I used to be a fun blogger, who would blog on random topics and whatnot. But now it's difficult to do that, because I am so ridiculously busy and tired a lot, and also because if I were to start typing a post like that and put it on this blog, it would feel...out of place.

But, I have become a blog junkie who creates and deletes a lot, so I'm wondering if that will just contribute to my habit. Hmm...

What do YOU think?

Laughs

Watch the video at the bottom of my page. I couldn't figure out how to embed it in a post.

Taylor Swift is my hero. I have seriously watched this several times. So hilarious! My favorite part is the "Hey Joe" part, lol

Just some needed laughs.

Side effects.

Hot flashes...check
Nausea...check
Tiredness like I have gotten run over by a semi repeatedly....double check.
Emotions a mess...check!


These symptoms coupled with dealing with juvenile delinquents cannot make for a good attitude. Ugh.

Clomid is pretty brutal. I thought this month it would be ok. I don't know how I thought this, since the first dosage of Clomid left me reeling a little, but I was trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be one of these people that jump at the first chance of what might be "side effects." I've always been a good medicine taker, actually. Never really had any side effects from medicine besides a little sleepiness.

But I think I'm convinced fertility medication is COMPLETELY different from regular medication. Duh.

Anyway, I started off the meds with little problems. But I took my last pill last night, and it seems like it's starting to hit hard.

There is a sliver of good news in this. I am OFF Wednesday, courtesy of working a state job and having off for Veteran's day.

***

I'm thinking of giving up after this whole Clomid business is over. I'm just so sick of pumping my body with medicine. As it is, I take four pills of Metformin a day, plus my vitamin. So, because of this last round of Clomid, I was taking 7 pills a day, including my vitamin! That is insane. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 20th, and I'm going to ask her what my options are after we try the Clomid. I wish they would skip all of this and just go straight to an IUI, as I am starting to doubt our ability to conceive children without help with timing and such. Though we did what the doctor said last month, obviously it did not produce a baby. So it leaves me with doubts and fears and apprehension. Then I also think of all the statistics that say that women with PCOS have increased fertility the older they get. And although I have never wanted to be an "older" mother (never, never, never, NEVER), the thought of waiting a while and having a baby naturally as opposed to pumping all these pills into my body sounds slightly appealing.

I start to wonder if I haven't gotten it all wrong. Maybe God is...preventing me from getting pregnant. Maybe it's not time right now. I heard a sermon not too long ago that said that we can't trust our feelings, we must go with God's voice. I have FELT it is time for a baby, but is it? The problem with that theory is that rarely do I hear God's voice instructing me on where to go, what to do. But I keep wondering why, if I want this so badly, is God witholding it from me? Is it because we're supposed to be doing something else right now? Or to produce fruit of patience? I don't know.

I know that I want a child more than just about anything in the world. I guess this is where perseverance comes in, but it's hard to have any when your body doesn't feel good.

Dissapointment, mixed in with some relief.

So... my cycle showed up...on Halloween, of all days... 3 days early?!

The upside is that I actually started without needing any pills to kick start it.
The downside is that for a second there, due to feeling pains I hadn't felt before, I thought maybe there might be something different going on. I swear, I think I've felt ovulation pains before, but these pains felt worse...so I narrowed it down, tried not to get too anxious, and prayed that maybe my hopes would come true.

I'm hoping this really is a cycle. But yet, it seemed to only last two days...so I'm not sure if it counts or not. I'm going to call the dr's office and try to talk to my dr. If this is considered my cycle, I have got to get another prescription for Clomid. Onto 150 mg...