Hot flashes...check
Nausea...check
Tiredness like I have gotten run over by a semi repeatedly....double check.
Emotions a mess...check!
These symptoms coupled with dealing with juvenile delinquents cannot make for a good attitude. Ugh.
Clomid is pretty brutal. I thought this month it would be ok. I don't know how I thought this, since the first dosage of Clomid left me reeling a little, but I was trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be one of these people that jump at the first chance of what might be "side effects." I've always been a good medicine taker, actually. Never really had any side effects from medicine besides a little sleepiness.
But I think I'm convinced fertility medication is COMPLETELY different from regular medication. Duh.
Anyway, I started off the meds with little problems. But I took my last pill last night, and it seems like it's starting to hit hard.
There is a sliver of good news in this. I am OFF Wednesday, courtesy of working a state job and having off for Veteran's day.
***
I'm thinking of giving up after this whole Clomid business is over. I'm just so sick of pumping my body with medicine. As it is, I take four pills of Metformin a day, plus my vitamin. So, because of this last round of Clomid, I was taking 7 pills a day, including my vitamin! That is insane. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 20th, and I'm going to ask her what my options are after we try the Clomid. I wish they would skip all of this and just go straight to an IUI, as I am starting to doubt our ability to conceive children without help with timing and such. Though we did what the doctor said last month, obviously it did not produce a baby. So it leaves me with doubts and fears and apprehension. Then I also think of all the statistics that say that women with PCOS have increased fertility the older they get. And although I have never wanted to be an "older" mother (never, never, never, NEVER), the thought of waiting a while and having a baby naturally as opposed to pumping all these pills into my body sounds slightly appealing.
I start to wonder if I haven't gotten it all wrong. Maybe God is...preventing me from getting pregnant. Maybe it's not time right now. I heard a sermon not too long ago that said that we can't trust our feelings, we must go with God's voice. I have FELT it is time for a baby, but is it? The problem with that theory is that rarely do I hear God's voice instructing me on where to go, what to do. But I keep wondering why, if I want this so badly, is God witholding it from me? Is it because we're supposed to be doing something else right now? Or to produce fruit of patience? I don't know.
I know that I want a child more than just about anything in the world. I guess this is where perseverance comes in, but it's hard to have any when your body doesn't feel good.
Jumping Ship
10 years ago
i'm sorry you're not feeling well =(
ReplyDeletei'm really impressed with your perspective at the end of this post--its a hard thing and takes a lot of maturity to realize that God's timing isn't always our timing. there's been so many times that bryan and i thought we were planning for the right thing at the right time only for God to change things entirely. i believe that God reveals his will to different people in different ways--for bryan and i, its often been by opening and closing doors. sometimes it makes me sad, because i want to go on to that next step...but ultimately, God knows whats best for us--he could have some other exciting thing planned for you that you haven't even imagined, or he could give you a baby any day now, who's to know? i'm praying for you as you go through this--its hard to keep walking with God when you can't see in front of you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this...I agree with Renee, your perspective on everything is extremely impressive...I don't know that I would have this good of an attitude. God really must be guiding you through all this for you to have a peace about this possibly not being His will right now...although, for your sake, I hope it is.
ReplyDeleteIt is really hard to know what's going on sometimes with God's will, because it's like...you think that He gives you these desires for a reason, right? Why would He give you a good and pure desire only to not fulfill it? But you are wiser than me...and like you said...patience...or the timing might be off...those are all possible answers.
I'm praying for you, too...and if you're able to get on chat anytime today...I'm planning to be on most of the day since I'm still sick! =/ So frustrating...