Tuesday, December 22, 2009

This season is drawing to a close...

I feel in my spirit that this season is a drawing to a close. Right now, I need to focus on getting healthy and getting my hormones regulated so that I can hopefully be medicine-free. This blog started out as tracking my weight loss, but I quickly lost the zeal after the first month. That will change.

I am retiring this blog for now. I will still have it, but I will not write on it. You can find me on Second Story Silhouettes. . I just really feel the reason why I haven't become pregnant is because God has something else for me now. Although I still desire a child with everything in me, I feel God has quenched that desire with this newfound purpose in my life, which is becoming clearer and clearer that we should go on an extended missions trip. I don't know how God is going to work all of this out, but I am excited to see what He has in store.

I thank you all that followed me through your own TTC journey. Those that encouraged me, your words will always mean so very much to me. And I WILL be back, and I'm claiming in the name of JESUS that I won't have to struggle nearly as much as I did this time. I am believing that God will bless me.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Not ovulating.

So, I forgot to mention in my last post that the dr. wanted me to get a blood test done the next day to make sure I am ovulating.

I got the call today and it appears that I have not ovulated for the month.
Which might explain why I was supposed to start my cycle, but haven't yet.

I was trying not to focus on being excited about being late, because I just knew that something like this would be the reason for it, not actual pregnancy.

*sigh*.

What is so wrong with ovulating? Why does my body hate it so?
So, I have an appointment scheduled for the 16th. I have no idea where we will go from here. I assume that in between now and that time, we will get the eval on Wesley. We're probably looking at an IUI, which actually after looking at the costs, wouldn't be very much by itself, but the ultrasound done to check my follicles is what really adds to the cost. In total it would be about $450-500, which isn't as bad as I originally thought, but isn't chump change either.

***

My niece and I broke the wishbone this year. She got the longer end, but then gave it to me and said I could have it for my wish, since she knew that my wish was more important than hers. Kids pick up on things so easily. It was the sweetest thing. I kept the bone, like a sentimental sap.

***

I am currently wondering if I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to wonder if maybe God is having me not pregnant right now for a purpose. A bigger purpose. A purpose that would not be possible if I had a child.

I wish I had clarity when I prayed. I will admit, I'm a bit fickle, and I really need the direction of the Holy Spirit to be as clear as possible. Otherwise, I think I would chase down rabbit trails for the rest of my life. The problem is, it's been hard to really find direction for myself in this life. I follow the direction of what is expected, what is normal. But does that mean I feel led to do this? Not necessarily.

I will be talking about this more specifically in my other blog

Monday, November 23, 2009

News from the dr's appointment...

Well, hmmmm...I'm not even sure where to begin. I guess I can just walk through my dr's appointment from beginning to end. That seems most appropriate.

So, the dr. came in and I asked her what are the next steps after we conclude the Clomid process. First of all, she told me that she doesn't want to increase my Clomid to 150 mg because a) that is the highest dosage and b) if I am ovulating, she doesn't see that being necessary. I can understand that, and I appreciate it, because I was quite fearful of what 150 mg would hold when 50 and 100 have been fairly hard. She also told me that if I wanted, we could do more than 3 months of Clomid, but usually by then we move on to other things. She explained the next step would be...well...

**TMI** (seriously...TMI until I write "end TMI", so get ready for it)


For my husband to do a sperm sample to determine if he has a normal sperm count. This makes me a bit...anxious? We are Christians and have obvious convictions, and since I knew my dr. was a Union graduate, I figured she'd understand my next awkward yet completely necessary question I asked... can we gather a sample at home? Looking back on this, it probably sounds completely ridiculous and I should probably be embarassed that I asked this, but still! Anyway, she said that it depended on how far we live away from the clinic, but since we only live about 5 minutes away, it should be no problem. So, that's good. Wow. This is awkward to blog about, but it's part of my update from my dr.'s appointment, so I guess I had to share.

***end TMI***

Anyway, so I asked about the ultrasound in which they examine my ovaries to see if I've produced follicles to determine if I've ovulated. Normally, women on Clomid have these every month to make sure the Clomid is working. Since this is month 2 on Clomid and no ultrasound has been scheduled, I figured that I needed to ask about this.
The next part will probably seem completely obvious for veteran TTCers, but for me, I had no idea.

So, apparently, insurance doesn't cover fertility treatments. The dr. explained this is because insurance companies don't see fertility efforts as necessary and are therefore not covered (um, HELLO! What, are all insurance companies run by MEN?!)

So, any fertility efforts from this point on...will not be covered by insurance.
This includes the follicle ultrasound, any IUI, sperm eval, etc.
WOW. W-O-W.

She printed me out a sheet that breaks down all of the costs of different fertility options.

She explained that instead of having an ultrasound to check my follicles (which is around, oh, $600-700 dollars a pop!!!) that we would do a blood sample which would check my progesterone level and indicate whether or not I've ovulated. I'm going in today at 4:00 for that.

So, basically after checking my husband's fertility end of things, we would then look at having an IUI. Which would then probably require the follicle ultrasound. The IUI is around $300, and the follicle ultrasound is of course $600-$700.

So, to sum it up, basically... if this Clomid doesn't work, then I will have to be dishing out over $1,000 a try for a baby.

I really, REALLY need this Clomid to work.

***

I am so very discouraged. We can't afford to do that every month. No way at all. Maybe once, and then wait a few months...but this waiting game is driving me insane.

I am just so very discouraged. I don't think I've let it sink in yet.

Why on earth should it be so hard to have a baby? Why, why, WHY?!

I really need to feel the strength of others' prayer right now, because I am just about to lose it.

Wow. I really didn't realize how much this hurts until I blogged about it.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I have good news and bad news (considering blogging)

The bad news: I just can't function blogging randomly on this blog. It just really doesn't work for me. I'm so sorry if it becomes more cumbersome to follow my thoughts by jumping back and forth between two blogs, but I hope that you will be able to do so and still leave me the comments I love so much.

The good news: I think I'm going to use my old writing blog, Second Story Silhouettes, for this. Of course, there is that slight possibility I will become neurotic again and feel like "no, that's for my writing ideas, so I must create ANOTHER blog"....but I hope this won't be the case. I really do. I want to mix both writing ideas and random blogging.

We'll see how this goes.

So, follow me! http://secondstorysilhouettes.blogspot.com

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

New blog?

I'm starting to wonder if I need to create a new blog.

I feel like this blog kind of oppresses me due to its basic concept. Perhaps I need to have another blog for my random bloggy goodness. And especially since I've been feeling frustrated and disappointed lately with the trying to conceive process, it feels like every post is complaining. I used to be a fun blogger, who would blog on random topics and whatnot. But now it's difficult to do that, because I am so ridiculously busy and tired a lot, and also because if I were to start typing a post like that and put it on this blog, it would feel...out of place.

But, I have become a blog junkie who creates and deletes a lot, so I'm wondering if that will just contribute to my habit. Hmm...

What do YOU think?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Laughs

Watch the video at the bottom of my page. I couldn't figure out how to embed it in a post.

Taylor Swift is my hero. I have seriously watched this several times. So hilarious! My favorite part is the "Hey Joe" part, lol

Just some needed laughs.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Side effects.

Hot flashes...check
Nausea...check
Tiredness like I have gotten run over by a semi repeatedly....double check.
Emotions a mess...check!


These symptoms coupled with dealing with juvenile delinquents cannot make for a good attitude. Ugh.

Clomid is pretty brutal. I thought this month it would be ok. I don't know how I thought this, since the first dosage of Clomid left me reeling a little, but I was trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be one of these people that jump at the first chance of what might be "side effects." I've always been a good medicine taker, actually. Never really had any side effects from medicine besides a little sleepiness.

But I think I'm convinced fertility medication is COMPLETELY different from regular medication. Duh.

Anyway, I started off the meds with little problems. But I took my last pill last night, and it seems like it's starting to hit hard.

There is a sliver of good news in this. I am OFF Wednesday, courtesy of working a state job and having off for Veteran's day.

***

I'm thinking of giving up after this whole Clomid business is over. I'm just so sick of pumping my body with medicine. As it is, I take four pills of Metformin a day, plus my vitamin. So, because of this last round of Clomid, I was taking 7 pills a day, including my vitamin! That is insane. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 20th, and I'm going to ask her what my options are after we try the Clomid. I wish they would skip all of this and just go straight to an IUI, as I am starting to doubt our ability to conceive children without help with timing and such. Though we did what the doctor said last month, obviously it did not produce a baby. So it leaves me with doubts and fears and apprehension. Then I also think of all the statistics that say that women with PCOS have increased fertility the older they get. And although I have never wanted to be an "older" mother (never, never, never, NEVER), the thought of waiting a while and having a baby naturally as opposed to pumping all these pills into my body sounds slightly appealing.

I start to wonder if I haven't gotten it all wrong. Maybe God is...preventing me from getting pregnant. Maybe it's not time right now. I heard a sermon not too long ago that said that we can't trust our feelings, we must go with God's voice. I have FELT it is time for a baby, but is it? The problem with that theory is that rarely do I hear God's voice instructing me on where to go, what to do. But I keep wondering why, if I want this so badly, is God witholding it from me? Is it because we're supposed to be doing something else right now? Or to produce fruit of patience? I don't know.

I know that I want a child more than just about anything in the world. I guess this is where perseverance comes in, but it's hard to have any when your body doesn't feel good.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dissapointment, mixed in with some relief.

So... my cycle showed up...on Halloween, of all days... 3 days early?!

The upside is that I actually started without needing any pills to kick start it.
The downside is that for a second there, due to feeling pains I hadn't felt before, I thought maybe there might be something different going on. I swear, I think I've felt ovulation pains before, but these pains felt worse...so I narrowed it down, tried not to get too anxious, and prayed that maybe my hopes would come true.

I'm hoping this really is a cycle. But yet, it seemed to only last two days...so I'm not sure if it counts or not. I'm going to call the dr's office and try to talk to my dr. If this is considered my cycle, I have got to get another prescription for Clomid. Onto 150 mg...

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Awkwardness...

Ok, so it's been determined that I probably currently have a corpus luteum.

Taken from that link: "The corpus luteum, which means yellow body in Latin, is what is left of the follicle after a woman ovulates."

The doctor basically said this gnawing, aggrivating pain is actually a GOOD thing! Who knew?

Because, it means that most likely....the Clomid did the job!!! It helped me ovulate!!! I have ovulated!!!!

Now, I don't take a doctor's word as gospel, but when I told him that anytime I "jarred" the left side of my body (i.e. my left leg hitting the ground as I walked) it's pretty uncomfortable, he thanked me for using a clinical term and said that it helped him determine, along with the exam, that he is almost positive that is what this is. He said that probably since I'm not used to ovulating, the corpus luteum is probably irritated right now. So, basically, we have two possibilities for what will happen:

the corpus luteum will cyst over or

the corpus luteum will assist in producing a baby by continuing to release progesterone.

Why is this entitled "Awkwardness?" Because I DID get examined.

In his defense, he actually was very gentle and I had no real discomfort at all except when he was pushing down on my abdomen to feel for possible cysts. He was actually kind of awkward about the whole thing, and it made it easier for me, lol. It was really funny, because after the exam, I'm sitting on the table with the paper sheet covering my bottom half, and he starts to explain what the Corpus Luteum is, and then halfway through his explanation, he stopped abruptly and was like "I'm going to let you get dressed." Wesley said it was as if halfway through the explanation, he realized how long it was, and so he thought about how I'd probably like to get my clothes on before he continued.

***

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. I don't know if it's because I'm getting more sleep because I'm tired or what. Me and vivid dreams do not go well together. When I was younger and I would have a vivid dream that J.T.T. and I would live happily ever after, I would wake up and burst into tears. And I'd be depressed for at least a day.

I feel like I'm back in grade school again.

The first dream was that I had a baby girl. I've had pregnancy and birth dreams before, but never as vivid as this. I remember exactly what the baby looked like in the dream. Her facial features were so defined. It was so vivid, when I woke up, I looked around for my baby. It was insane.

The dream I had last night has left me depressed, and I probably will be for days. It's like nothing I've ever dreamed before.

I dreamt that somehow, my dad came back. That it was a mistake, and he wasn't really dead. He had been trying to get back to us all along, but it had taken him 23 years to do so. He came back to us. I can still see his smiling face and feel what it was like to have him hug me, and hold me, and tell me that everything was ok and that he would never leave again. I talked to him about how much I was like him, and how even though he hadn't been in my life, I had missed him so very much. He re-proposed to my mother in front of the family, and life just seemed so....complete. So wonderful. And then I woke up.

I have never had a dream about my dad coming back, or being presently in my life. And I don't understand what brought it on. But the dream seems like some cruel joke. When I woke up, still half asleep, I expected to find him somewhere in this world. I expected him to only be a phone call away. The only good I have from that dream is that for a split second, I knew what it felt like to coexist in this world with my dad. And I guess that is worth the heartache it brought when I realized it was a dream.

Then I started thinking, how would I handle it if my dad just magically appeared in my life? To be completely honest and vulnerable, I really feel like I would just cling to him and not let him go. At 23, I would literally crawl in his lap, rest my head on his shoulder, and stay there. It has made me realize how much not having a father could have had the potential to screw me up. I think it did in some way, which is why I bounced from relationship to relationship, searching for that fatherly love. But I didn't downwardly spiral as much as I could have. I have God to thank for that, as well as an amazing family who surrounded me in love. I guess I just wish I had some memory of him. Some way to recall his touch, his smile, his laugh...anything. I just don't understand why he had to go so soon. It's really strange; the older I get, the more I feel this unquenchable thirst to know who my dad was. To be in possession of everything that had a connection to him. To collect the memories of him from others. To piece the puzzle together, to somehow have a glimpse of who he was.

I don't usually talk about these things. But it's on my mind so much this morning.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Scary.

I have had this weird pulling sensation in my ovaries/uterus since yesterday. It has intensified today. It seems like the only relief I get is when I sit down at my desk. Even still, I can still feel dull cramping. When I walk around, it constantly feels like something is being pulled.

I called the doctor's office to speak to my doctor, but she was not in today, and after describing to the nurse what is going on, she set me up for an appointment and said that I needed to get in and be looked at. Despite the fact that I have a follow up appointment already scheduled during the first week of November.

Can we say scary? I'm hoping it's nothing major, but it was concerning enough to call the doctor's office. I've heard too many stories of overstimulated ovaries and such that scare me too badly.

What's worse is the doctor that is in today is...a male. I really, really feel uncomfortable about a male examining me. Being examined period is not fun. I have a feeling they're going to do that oh so invasive internal exam again, where they take pictures of my ovaries. Oh goody.

What a great Monday.

Please pray for me, that everything will turn out all right and I will figure out what is going on.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I still have the touch!

Today, I had a very rewarding day. I helped a teenage mom find temporary housing for herself and her 6 month old baby boy.

When I went to pick her up, he was sitting on the floor on his tummy. I crouched down and of course oohed and ahhhed over him and talked to him, and the first thing he did was look up at me and give me this ridiculously precious grin! One person said "he must really like you to smile at you like that!"

I picked him up immediately and had problems letting him go, hehe. He was just sitting there looking at me and smiling and laughing. It made my heart melt. As I transported them to their destination, hearing him giggle and laugh and talk in the backseat of my car made me literally warm and fuzzy inside. I just kept thinking "one day...one day. This won't be the last time I'll hear those sounds from my own back seat."

He had an adorable headful of curls and was light skinned, with the most beautiful dark brown eyes. *sigh*...he stole my heart.

And I realized that even though I'm not around babies regularly...I still have my touch. I can still pick up a baby and know exactly what to do. I thank God that he has gifted me with this ability, and that it has been with me for years. Most of all, that it has stayed with me.

But of course, this experience has left me even more heartsick for a baby. They are seriously one of the main joys of my life.


I am hopeful for this month. I think it will be very difficult for me to go to my appointment the first week in November and find out that I didn't even ovulate. Pray for me that I will be able to accept whatever happens. It gets harder and harder sometimes.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I suck at being a woman.

That's how I feel, anyway.

My dinner went something like this last night.

After several weeks taking a sabbatical from cooking, I decided to try again by cooking roast. My grandmother makes the most AMAZING roast in the world. We had it this weekend while I was visiting her, so I got the recipe from her and tried it out.

Well, it didn't go well. Not at all.
First of all, since my grandmother didn't tell me to cut up the roast, I didn't. Maybe I should have. Also, she actually cooks it in a pot on the stove with water. She adds potatoes 30 minutes before it's done. Well, it was 7:30 p.m. and still not done. So then we decided to cut it up. I was so incredibly frustrated, because it didn't look anything like my grandmother's, and I felt like a failure.

So, what does a woman who feels like a failure do when her hormones are out of control?

She has a meltdown, of course.

So here I am, melting down while trying to cut potatoes. Full out ugly cry as if I were cutting onions instead of cutting potatoes. I almost cut my finger off, and so Wesley proceeds to take the knife from me. I'm still sobbing, of course, because it just feels like I fail as a woman.

sidenote:

[Failures:
1) I can't cook. I really can't. I think I just need to admit that to myself and everyone else. I have tried, and I have failed countless times. It is not natural, nor is it cute for me. It is stress waiting to happen.
2) I can't get pregnant without the help of fertility medication. Women are designed to conceive. What is wrong with this picture?
3) I am not dainty in the slightest. PCOS doesn't allow me to be. I'm overweight and I have too much testosterone. No chance of being femininely dainty or anything like that.
4) I really have no idea how to piece an outfit together. Usually when I look cute, it's because Wesley has stepped in and provided counsel.]

Anyway, so Wesley takes the knife from me, and I'm sobbing, telling him that I'm such a failure while listing the above reasons, and adding that I can't even cut potatoes, and Wesley looks at me and says dead seriously and rather spirited:

"I would rather have a wife with all of her extremities than one who can peel potatoes!"

So then, with tears streaming down my face, I proceed to break into a side-splitting laugh. He starts laughing as well. It was all quite comical, amidst my meltdown.

All that to say, the roast sucked, and the potatoes were in too long and they literally disintegrated into tiny pieces.

Baking is really my thing. But I can't lose weight if I bake all the time.

***
On my way to my office, I saw a girl who looked to be about 7.5 months pregnant.
She was puffing away on a cigarette.
I wanted to strangle her. Does she not realize how much of a precious gift a baby is?

***

I'm so ready for a vacation. Just 8 more days. I can do this.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Here we go...

For those that follow curiously, I officially started my cycle on Saturday!!!!

After six months of no cycle, I am now regular! (for now, anyway). The Provera worked!

Let me tell you, it has come back with a vengeance. I'm trying to be strong and not throw back the Aleve like I usually do...so far, this cycle has been pain medication free, lol. I've also heard that birthing contractions are like intensified period cramps, so I'm trying to get used to all of that.

Anyway, so this means I will start Clomid on Wednesday, which is our 1 year, 5 month anniversary, lol.

Here's to hoping this is our lucky month!!!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Update. And God is AWESOME.

Just a brief update on me.

I had my appointment with my ob/gyn today. I took a pregnancy test, and it was of course negative. I expressed to her my frustrations with not having a cycle since March, and not knowing where in the heck I am in ovulation and cycles due to bleeding for two weeks. She explained that bleeding in between periods is actually pretty common for PCOS because of the irregularity of the periods.

So, I have been placed on Provera to kick start my period. Yay!! I take it for ten days, and after the ten days is over, if it works, I will have a period. Finally!!! I haven't been this happy at the prospect of having a period since I was 11, lol.

Then, on day five of my period, I will begin taking Clomid!!! (!!!!!)
(I have provided links for both for you all that are curious) I am starting at 50 mg. My ob/gyn told me that the Jackson Clinic only likes to give Clomid in three month increments, so if no results are seen by the end of October or Early November (my first month on Clomid) then we will increase the mgs to 100. She told me that we don't want to waste time since I can only be on it for three months, and I definitely agree.

***

I know that God is the only one who can resolve my fertility issues, but it does make me more hopeful to know that A) I will have a period within the next month, making this next month an actual month to try to conceive successfully, and B) Clomid has SO many success stories.

God has been moving in my heart.

The other night, I felt this overwhelming need to get on my knees and just cry out to God with everything in me about what's going on with me. I have felt so depressed lately and completely defeated. So, I prayed, had a good cry, and then afterward, I felt another overwhelming need to read the Bible. I said a little prayer and flipped the Bible open to a random page, something I tend to do a lot when I feel lost and confused. The page landed in Song of Solomon, and I was definitely surprised. My eyes immediately went to a section in the middle of a verse, which is very unlike me because I always start reading from the beginning of the verse. Yet this time, I didn't. Here is the verse, and the first sentence my eyes went to is what is in bold:

Song of Solomon 6:6

Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
Which have come up from the washing;
Every one bears twins,
And none is barren among them.

I kid you not, the first sentence my eyes read was the sentence in bold. How awesome is that? I was in absolute awe of how specific the verse was. Now, I don't believe I'm going to have twins necessarily, but for the verse to say "NONE is barren among them"...I just felt God saying to me "you will NOT be barren. Trust me, daughter."

I then flipped the pages again and came to Matthew 9, which talks about many miracles Jesus bestowed, and what jumped out to me were these verses:

Matthew 9: 27-29
When Jesus departed from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out and saying "Son of David, have mercy on us!"
And when He had come into the house, the blind men came to Him. And Jesus said to them
"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
They said to Him "Yes, Lord."
Then He touched their eyes, saying
"According to your faith, let it be to you."

I just heard God saying to me "you have to believe in order to receive this miracle that I want to give you!" It humbled me and left me in complete and utter reverence.

I have not been believing in the power of God for a while. I'm not sure why. Perhaps part of it is that I have honestly been mad at God and angry with Him for making me wait. Yes, it is selfish and immature, but it is an honest emotion I have had, and still struggle with.

It is something that I am working through, and as always, I ask you to pray that I would be able to have faith in our wonderful God, who has a plan and timing for everything under the sun.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

**TMI***

I have been bleeding for 12 days.

It's this wimpy bleeding, that doesn't require anything but a pantyliner, and I feel like I'm wasting one when I use it. Every once in awhile I will bleed a bit more, but only occasionally.
**************
I am just very down in my spirit right now. I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I haven't been able to bounce back from the negative pregnancy test last Friday. I am so very frustrated. And heartsick. And not satisfied with myself at all. Oh, not to mention my hormones are an absolute wreck right because I keep forgetting to take my meds. I cry at the drop of a hat, and once I start crying, it's difficult to stop.


I am ridiculously bloated, and I feel like a fat heifer. I haven't made any permanent weight lost past the ten pounds, simply because I got sick of trying so dang hard. It's a little difficult to drink a ridiculous amount of water every day when you're running around after delinquent kids.

I'm going to kind of take a break from blogging about my journey. I thought it would be therapeutic and cleansing, and while at times it is, lately it hurts to be this vulnerable as well. I'm tearing up as I type this, because it's just painful to dwell on the negative pregnancy test and focus on how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to conceive.

Pray for me please. I am really struggling through this to get to the other side. I guess it would be one thing if it was just that I am struggling with conceiving...but having a stressful job that is currently not fulfilling me.... it's just a little too much right now.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Pray, pray, pray for me.

I am going to go crazy these next few days. 

Well, first of all, Jessi or Kristin, if you read this all, let me know when in the heck I should take a pregnancy test to put me out of my misery.

Anyway, to explain that random outburst... 

I apparently was coming down with something. I think it's a cold. I started feeling sick yesterday and today it's gotten better, but definitely a cold.

***TMI ALERT***

since this is my blog which chronicles what's going on in my quest to get pregnant, I have to share all. So, if those of you who are close friends don't feel like getting to know me in a very personal way, now is the time to stop reading. I will include stars at the conclusion of my TMI area.

Today, I had brown/pinkish mucous spotting. Well, I don't know if you could even call it...spotting. More just like brown/light pink mucous discharge, which I've heard is a sign of implantation bleeding. I am freaking out right now. It has been a very small amount though, and i haven't had any cramps, just twingy pain, which I'm used to since I have that often. But, I haven't had blood in five freaking months, so I am majorly getting worked up about this. 

***********

What I highlighted in the above paragraph is that I could have possibly had implantation bleeding today. I have NO clue if this is it or not, but all I know is that how it looks points to that it is. Of course, what I really need to know is for about how long implantation bleeding lasts. I'm not getting clear answers on the net, but I think I'm going to go on over to babycenter.com and browse the message boards.

I really need prayer right now, because of course my mind and heart are two steps ahead of what's actually going on. Me suffering from a cold could potentially be a sign of pregnancy as well, as some women do get colds when they are first pregnant. Of course again, I don't know really how early they have colds. I am jumping ahead of course, because I am a major dreamer. I need prayer that I will be able to calm down and wait for a bit before I make myself go crazy.

Basically, from what I just pulled up, I would need to wait two weeks after this possible implantation bleeding before I can test for pregnancy. Are these people NUTS? I'm supposed to wait around for two weeks? Oh my goodness. 

I'm really lost, because I've never gotten this far. I don't even know when to expect my period since my cycle has been so out of whack, so I wouldn't even know when to expect it unless I expected it around my normal time, which would be around the 28th or so. 

That's my little rant. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to babycenter. 

Pray for me. 

Friday, September 4, 2009

Negative, #...

Negative.

I can't figure out why I've had a tension headache for three days and felt feverish for the same amount of days.

I don't go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to, and going to the doctor can't really fit in my schedule today, since we will be on our way to Mississippi. 

I wish whatever it is would go away and stop faking me out. 

It would have been really nice, too. (Besides the obvious reasons for it being nice) I'm only going in for an hour today for a team meeting, and it would have been nice to have a miracle announcement, and especially since we're travelling to see my family. 

*sigh* When you see so many negatives,  you really begin to lose hope. 

Almost nine months and counting.  

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Maybe I should work at Wal-Mart

I had the most fabulous shopping experience ever at Wal-Mart today.

I went to pick up some eyeliner, and this sweet Southern woman stopped me and said "Can I ask your opinion on something?"

I nodded and smiled, and she began with "I just noticed that you're wearing blush, and my daughter has recently told me that I should wear blush..."

Now, let's stop right there. First of all, I wasn't wearing blush. My cheeks were apparently flushed due to walking briskly around the store and also feeling a bit feverish lately. But it was too cute, and I didn't want to make her feel bad or self-conscious by correcting her, so I didn't. I just nodded and pretended I was wearing blush.

But she continues with these comments. 

"I was thinking something natural. Yours looks so natural (she had no idea, haha) and pretty and I don't want anything too bold. I was looking at these other colors and I think they're a little too dark."

I told her the one in her hand looked like it would work well, and to put it on lightly. 

She then asked me a direct question. "Yeah, I'm thinking I like this pink one. Is that pretty much what you have on?"

I felt so bad saying yes, but I didn't want to hurt this poor lady's feelings. Plus, I was in too deep at this point. So... I said yes. She thanked me for helping her, and I told her she looked fine the way she was, haha. I'm surprised I pulled this off, because I'm a horrible liar. I felt so bad, but I didn't feel the need to repent since me lying was better than embarassing the poor lady and making her feel awkward. At least, this is what I'm currently telling myself. 

So then, I am walking toward the shampoo aisle to get some hair gel, and I get stopped by someone else, this time an adorable old black man who reminded me of Morgan Freeman. 

He explained he needed another set of eyes and that he was looking for ibuprofen. He had been looking for a liquid version, but after much searching, I could only find the pill version of it. He then explained that his 16 year old daughter was home due to nausea and chills, and that the pharmacy had told him to pick up some ibuprofen and pepto bismol. He looked lost when referring to the pepto bismol, so I told him to wait right there while I happily went a few aisles down to get it for him. I then suggested he get some Sprite to help her with the nausea and asked if he had crackers at home. He said he did. I told him to give her the medicine and that if she wasn't better in a few hours, to take her to the doctor due to swine flu going around. He thanked me.

Well, miraculously, my next stop was right over where the drinks were. I heard a little voice (I believe it was God) telling me "Why don't you go over there and pick up a two liter of Sprite and bring it to the man?" Somehow, even though that store was fairly big, I knew I was going to run into the man. So, I picked up the two liter and headed to the section where he originally was. I ran into him about a minute later, in a completely different aisle. He lit up when he saw that I had brought the Sprite to him. I explained that I had been near the drinks anyway, and told him I hoped his daughter felt better. 

It made my heart swell being able to help these people today, and it is honestly the most useful I have felt in a while. God is so good.

So, maybe I just need to work at Wal-Mart... =) 

On the flipside, I have had a consistent headache for three days, and I have been exhausted for three days.

So, I am going to take a pregnancy test in the morning. I happen to have one left from the dollar tree.

I don't expect it to be positive, and I'm going to try my hardest not to get my hopes up. 

But, if it's negative, I may need to go to the doctor. It feels like I'm coming down with something. I am usually never this exhausted during consecutive days.

This is the part that I hate, because I know a part of me will be dissapointed and frustrated if it's negative. 

But I just have to know. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wishful thinking..

Ok, I have exactly fifteen minutes to get to work, and I'm typing a quick blog. 

I think I'm going to be late. Oh well. 

So, the past two nights I've taken my Metformin late, so I'm chalking it up to that so I don't get my hopes up. Anyway, I have been  TIRED TIRED TIRED lately. I'm talking feeling like I'm on some allergy meds. 

But of course, me trying to conceive, I can't help but wonder "what if this tiredness is really more, as in, one of the most common signs of pregnancy?" 

I know, I'm making this much more difficult for myself. 

Oh, and of course, Wesley and I went out to eat with a couple who is expecting, and she's in the early stages. Well, she started talking about how she gets up to pee at least once a night now, and Wesley says "Well, Ashley does that now!" And the girl said "Really?" And I said "Well yeah, but it's mostly because I get really thirsty right before I go to bed and I end up drinking a lot of water." And of course, she says the inevitable.... me too!

Now, that is just not kind. Because I will then analyze over and over again and question the possibility of me being pregnant. Yes, the thirst before bed has become a recent thing, and when she talked about having a thirst that's never quenched, I thought "that is SO me." 

But, I am so sick and tired of seeing negatives on pregnancy tests that I can't even bring myself to try to test. I'm so sick of getting my hopes up and having them dashed into pieces. So, I'm praying that if this is the REAL deal, it will become evident before I test. But, I highly doubt I'm pregnant.

One can wish, though. Say a little prayer for me that I can make it through this loooong day. 

Sunday, August 30, 2009

So, how's that diet going?

I figured I'd better explain before I'm asked.

Well...it hasn't been going so well.
I have been limiting my portions still, but I haven't been paying as much attention about WHAT I eat. I almost wish that my curse of being sick all the time from Metformin would come back. After all, the sickness would only happen when I ate something that probably wasn't the greatest for me.

I've been doing fairly well with Breakfast. I usually eat an apple and it will last me for the majority of the morning. I'm also trying to at least drink 32 oz of water a day. But, when it comes to lunch and dinner...I continue to have issues with what to make and eat. We have eaten out quite a bit in the last two weeks.

I have yo-yo'd from 10 pounds to 12 pounds to 13 pounds lost. I haven't seen the 13 pounds lost mark in about a week...so, in a way, I'm maintaining the 10 pounds I lost, but I'm not making any headway. This is also due to the fact that I haven't been exercising.

This week is a new week. I kick-started my exercising again on Saturday by taking an hour and a half walk at Pinson mounds, complete with going up and down the stairs to the largest mound, sprinting at times (we had our puggles with us) and walking briskly.

So, on Monday, I really need to go to the gym. I'm going to have to make myself some way or another. You would think that if I wanted a baby so badly, I would be working my tail off (literally) to lose as much of this weight as possible.

I guess I have experienced extreme frustration because I'm not seeing immediate results. Although the Metformin is supposed to eventually bring back my natural cycle...it hasn't yet. This is month 5 without a period. And I am just so dang frustrated. My ob/gyn told me that we can't pursue other methods of fertility until I have had one year of normal cycles. What she meant is basically all of the cycles I have not had a period have been a waste, and cannot be counted toward a full year of trying to conceive. So, basically, I can only account for December to March. Four months. So, once I DO get a regular cycle, if I am still having significant problems, they won't be addressed until another eight months down the line.

Of course, she also told me we would talk about Clomid* next time I come in on September 21st. I don't want the run around. I am going to all but demand they give Clomid, along with something to kick start my period. The longer I go without a cycle, the worse it's going to be. The longer I go, the more likely it will be a cycle that will put me out of work for at least a day. And I can't really afford that, because I don't have enough sick days accumulated due to having to use so many when I first got on Metformin. I have to accumulate a total of 6 sick days by October 31st, and I still have another sick day I'm going to need to take due to my appointment on September 21st. I have been apprehensive in the past about taking something to kick start my period. I've wanted to regulate it naturally. But pretty soon, it will mean I've only had a period for half of the year...which is just not healthy or good anyway.

*For those of you that don't know, Clomid is a medication that is taken to help me ovulate. Obviously, because I am not having periods, I am not ovulating. My body is having issues ovulating like a normal female. If I don't ovulate, there is no possible chance I can become pregnant.
Now, although I would be thrilled that my possibility of pregnancy would be increased through taking Clomid, I am NOT so thrilled about the side effects, which include:
breast pain, bloating, hot flashes (hot flashes...seriously? seriously?...) enlargement of ovaries (which can be painful), nausea, and headache. From what I came across on webmd.com, enlargement of the ovaries is the most common side effect.

Oh, and did I mention Clomid can possibly increase the likelihood of multiples? Not that I mind that at all. Once I become pregnant, I won't care how many are in my belly...just as long as they're healthy! But it is something to think about and wonder how the situation would be handled.

So anyway, this week is a new week. I'm going to start exercising again and start caring about what I eat. PLEASE keep me accountable. I need it.

Friday, August 28, 2009

It really is a good excuse.

Hormones.

Mine are out of whack right now.

I always thought that this was a pathetic excuse women used to justify their complete out of control emotions. That it was more due to lack of self-discipline and due to pure self-wallowing that caused women to cry at the drop of a hat. I had some times where I would cry, but it would usually take a lot of thought and pondering, and I had to be hurting pretty bad to cry fairly fast.

And then I started taking this medication. The medication is meant to regulate my hormones. But, of course, in the process, my hormones are changing and adjusting and such.

I cry at the drop of a hat now. Seriously.

As I type this, I am teary-eyed from a country song that came on my Pandora station. I guess I should know better then to listen to country alone while working late.

Oh, and one thing that will ALWAYS...and I mean, ALWAYS get me, is the quote:

"Because, after all, a person’s a person, no matter how small.”

Man, I am about to lose it just now as I read it.

We watched "Horton Hears a Who" last night. I held back tears throughout the whole thing, really, but anytime that quote was said...I couldn't help but cry. Oh, and I literally wanted to bawl at the very end, when little Jo Jo finally found his voice...aw, man. That just killed me. If it weren't for Wesley being in the room, I would have lost it.

So, you see, all of these things are adding up to this whole "hormone" excuse. I really am a crazy wreck right now.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Falling into pieces


Today was not a good day.

I don't know why hearing certain people or people in certain situations are pregnant, bothers me more than others in different situations. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with the people, and has more to do with how my day has gone. 

I had a crazy hectic day (well, crazy hectic week) and I feel like I can't ever get my head above water, water which distinctly resembles mounds of paperwork. Couple that with having a two hour meeting at work entitled as file audits, but carefully disguised. It's really "let's make Ashley cry and make her feel like she can't do anything right. Let's tell Ashley that she's not detailed enough and that if she wants to be a GOOD case worker, she will try everything she can to have no life and instead worry worry worry about taking all the staples out of documents and making sure her file is perfect." 

My job is stressful on a number of levels. First, you have the simple fact that you can have up to 18 cases, all of which you are completely 100% responsible for. Even at 11 cases, I am sinking fast. Then, any case you have that is a problem case, you should automatically count those as more than one case, because the trouble that they give you is at least two cases worth of work. I have at least three serious trouble cases. Oh, and by the way, these are cases in which often, my supervisor can honestly say "I have never had to deal with that before." Oh joy. Now, I have learned that all of your kids that are in the Juvenile Justice population are going to give you trouble. Many a time I have thought that a child I got on my caseload would be "no trouble", only to be sitting in a meeting with all of his teachers a couple of weeks later. So the trouble I'm talking about is out of the ordinary stuff; freakishly weird stuff; it's adding stress to an already stressful situation. I am also a state employee. I am responsible for so much more than typical social workers. This is a government job, therefore we are subject to random audits, scrutiny, etc. Even if you aren't audited regularly, it still puts stress on you with the possibility of someone auditing you. And that stress is so much more than the stress of simply losing your job. It's someone looking at you and saying "what in the heck were you thinking? You have not helped this child at all! This child will have more of a screwed up life because of you!" (Not that this will ever happen, but doesn't the possibility of that happening make you shudder and go into overdrive? I know I do). I'm not known as being the most responsible person. I seriously probably had sippy cups until I was 7 due to the fact that I could never hold a drink without spilling it. And yet now, all of a sudden, because I'm graduated and have a degree, I'm supposed to be able to make all these decisions and be responsible for human beings? This is so much more than just being a parent. It's like being a parent after the child has been out of your life for 17 years. That's scary. Especially when you have bigger people looking down at you and monitoring what decisions you make.

Finally, this job is stressful and hard because sometimes, the things I hear from the children really make me want to fall apart. I have heard stories of children watching family members bleed to death on the sidewalk after being pumped full of bullets. It's just all too much. I heard one of these stories today, and I kept asking God "why, oh why do you let your children suffer so? Why are they allowed to experience such pain and violence before they're even old enough to graduate?" 

I will admit, I actually got a bit angry with God today. I just don't understand Him. I think what makes me most angry is that, in situations like that, you cannot tell someone "that was God's plan." That would be absurd. So, how can I believe it was?

And at the end of a day like today, to find out someone is pregnant after a ridiculousy short amount of time...well, it's just a little too much. I have this issue where, if I know the couple has been trying for a long time, I am overjoyed for them. But, instead, if it's more of a "wow, we didn't expect to get pregnant; we weren't even trying. We haven't even struggled over getting pregnant," thing...I can't help but be bitter. And angry. And hurt. And I again struggle with believing this is God's plan.

I feel so cheated out of everything. It depresses me that I have to "prep" my body to grow life. It is so much of an ego blow. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (which, let's face it, there is) and makes me feel like less of a woman. I struggle with really feeling horrible about myself, thinking that one of the most natural things a woman is designed to do, I struggle with doing it. Sometimes I wonder why the women who desire the most, with everything in them, to conceive....seem to have the most difficult time? 

I cannot tell you when I started fantasizing about my future children. I'm sure I was a child myself. I would always watch my baby cousins and was known to have a "special touch" with most of them. I have read time and time again on facebook, and even babycenter, women complaining about getting little to no sleep, morning sickness, or even simply the chaos of having children. I am sure those who are struggling with getting pregnant can agree...doesn't that just make you want to slap the person in the face? What I wouldn't give to experience morning sickness, lack of sleep, and chaos, all at once! And just think,  I haven't even been struggling with conceiving for as long as a lot of women with infertility issues. I don't know where they get their strength from. When Wesley and I were trying very hard to conceive, with every negative pregnancy test, I would literally crumple up and sob. It was such a difficult time. I know that if and when my cycles get regulated, I'm going to be right back there again, and I'm scared of how painful it's going to be. 

What I do know is I am going to try my very hardest to never utter a complaint when I'm pregnant. I want to rejoice and be content and cherish it. I want to remember what it took to get me to that point. Most of all, I want my child to know how wanted it was. How its mother would pray and cry and ache, waiting for her arms to be filled with its little body. I am often reminded of that scene in 'Facing the Giants'... tell me, what is impossible with God? 

I am working through feelings of bitterness and hurt. I never expected to have issues with getting pregnant, although it was always a major fear of mine. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be just my luck, me, the person who cannot see a baby without going up and touching its little fingers, would have problems with fertility." It seems like the epitome of irony. It feels cruel, as if I am being cheated out of something already very dear to my heart. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Breaking through the walls...

Ok, so the diet thing hasn't been going so well. I ate a McDonald's meal today; I'm not going to lie. I disgust myself. 

It all started really with me not going to the gym. My niece and nephew came to visit, and I wasn't able to go to the gym the whole week they were here. After that, I started my medication, and it threw me for a loop trying to get used to it. 

I then got tired of worrying about everything all the time. Weight, food, exercise, etc. Why couldn't I be like other girls my age, and eat whatever, and not have to worry about it? I became resentful. Then I started just not caring at all. 

Not that I've gone crazy, by any means, because my stomach has shrank due to not eating as much. Also, my meds still only allow so much However, I'm not being near as consistent as I was before. 

It's so exhausting, really. Especially whenever, despite what the scale says, I don't feel that heavy. I don't really think I lookas heavy as I am either. I have the wonderful blessing of being able to hide my weight well due to my bone structure and build. However, I am, and if I care about my health, I need to do whatever it takes to slim down fairly fast. If I care about having a baby, I will try my hardest to lose the weight and get healthy. 

That's another thing I am SO frustrated about.

I still have not gotten my period. It's been almost five months now. I know I haven't been on this medication for a full month yet, but I can't help being impatient and upset. I watched a few vlogs on youtube in which girls were on Metformin, and still had to be given medication to kick start their period. I am SO afraid of that. I'm SO afraid that I will NEVER be able to ovulate on my own. That really really scares me. I don't want to have to rely on medication for me to have a normal cycle. The reason I'm afraid that this might be my case is because, although I had a period for the first few months off of birth control, that might have been simply because the birth control was still in my system. It's scary when you don't ovulate, because then there's the potential of all of these little cysts accumulating in your ovaries, which, if they get big enough, can be very painful and lead to surgery if necessary. 

I really am convinced the majority of my issues are due to weight. I've never not had a period, and certainly not for this long. In addition, I've never been this heavy. It just seems to make sense.

On the brightside, I went shopping for the first time in a long time on Saturday. And I found pants in a size smaller than what I've been wearing! (granted, the band of the pants are stretchy, but still!) Now, that doesn't mean I can go around and around trying on that size expecting them all to fit, but it was a glimmer of hope despite my unsuccessful weeks lately. 

Anyway, if you think about it, just be in prayer for me, that I will be able to continue. I've gotten to the point where "healthy" things make me feel sick. Seriously. And I have no idea how to get past that, because I hate feeling sick to my stomach.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

On the sunnyside...

Breakfast today was pretty great. I actually had time to sit down, and I had:

1 slice of healthy life white bread topped with cinnamon sugar and butter
4 pieces of Oscar Mayer bacon

Crazy as it seems, it lasted me until 12. Of course, I was in a meeting from 9:15 to 10:30, so it distracted me somewhat, but still.

Lunch was one cup of Chunky vegetable beef soup. My stomach began to turn just as I was finishing it, but I consider it an accomplishment that I finished it! Then I had strawberry jello for dessert.

Dinner becomes the hardest meal of the day.
I have NO idea what to cook.
Our staple meals are usually:
Hamburger helper
mac n cheese
spaghetti... (do you see a trend here?)
lasagna
skillet meals that have pasta and chicken
chicken strips and french fries

Wow, looking at that list, no wonder I had issues with carbs. It doesn't help that I have a stressful/busy/crazy job which leaves me with little energy for inventive meals.

So, when you take all of that away...and you couple that with the fact that I am SO SICK of skinless chicken breast... you wonder what else is there? Especially when you grocery shopped for the month before deciding to go low carb.

So, my question to you is:

what is your favorite thing to make that is healthy, low carb, little to no prep, and tasty?

Please put the recipe in your comment, or at least give me some ideas. I am by no means a culinary expert (as I've mentioned before) so simple and easy is the best for me, haha.

[Please and thank you. I know the girls that read this are great cooks, so I'm excited to learn new things!]


On another weird and perhaps scary note, I've noticed today that my kidneys are...aching. (At least, I believe they are my kidneys due to looking at a human map online). It's by no means excruciating. It's a very dull ache, and not constant. I searched a little, and found that there is at least one thread on the web that notes a PCOS girl having slightly aching kidneys after upping her Metformin dosage.
Um... that's a little, scary?

The woman said that once she decreased her dosage and increased it again, she was fine. But I really really really really just want to get through this week, because then I will be on the official recommended dosage.

This is further proof that I don't want to be on this medicine for my whole life. There's no telling what it could end up doing to my kidneys. It appears that there's been no link to Metformin and kidney problems...yet. But it's one of those things that could come out years from now.

In other news, one of my good guy friends and his wife became pregnant several months ago. They found out recently that it's a girl.

Upon finding this out yesterday, I had my first heartsick emotions in a while.

I know that when I do finally become pregnant, I will be happy with whatever gender my precious child is. But, Wesley and I would really really really love to have a girl first.
I struggle being scared (and full of self-pity) that, because my life has been full of dissapointments (pathetic, right? this is so not true...but that is the self-pity part of this), that when we do get past this infertile period, I will try and try for a girl, and will end up with a house of like, four boys.

This is when I get scared.
I mean, seriously. All I can think about is 'Home Improvement', and what Jill had to deal with having three boys in the home (basically four, because her husband was like a big kid). What a nightmare!

I did read an article recently that talked about a woman who has tried so long to have a girl, and kept having boys, and the small heartache she went through. But then someone told her something encouraging: God has entrusted you to raise Godly men. He has given you so many boys because he knows you will raise them as Godly men and leaders.

I thought that was a happy little spin to a potentially depressing situation.

I think once I become pregnant, these thoughts will go on the back burner, and I will be content with whatever.

But oh, wouldn't it be lovely to have an adorable little girl with curly dark brown hair and gorgeous big brown eyes? I can already see her in my head, actually. She's beautiful.

One step at a time. :)

Monday, August 10, 2009

What's left?

I'm developing food aversions.

Right now, it makes me sick to even think of these foods, but I want to document it...so I'm going to brave through this.
-eggs
-chicken and tuna salad
-yogurt (this is a new development, but I could barely get it down this morning)

Who knew that this medicine could make me have food aversions?

Also, I didn't get very far through lunch today.
Wesley took me out for lunch, and I sat down at Dixie Castle to a beautiful meatloaf, mashed potatoes (the rest of my carbs for the day) pinto beans, and cole slaw. I was so happy to actually be eating REAL food. I think I actually did a little dance in my seat as I savored the first bite.

I got a few more bites into it and started feeling nauceous.
I got a to-go box, dangit.

Oh, and randomly, when I woke up this morning, I weighed myself for the first time since...Wednesday? and I have lost another three pounds.
I blinked several times to make sure I was reading it correctly.

It could be though that yesterday was not good to me in the slightest, and I probably easily drank a liter of water and then some.

I can see how people lose weight on this medicine; when you're nauceous all the time, it's difficult to gain!

But hey, I'm not complaining too terribly bad...right? I'm happy that this medicine is going to hopefully help me get down to a healthy weight and also regulate my insulin.

I'm just sad I can't enjoy my comfort foods like I used to.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Ugh...

Just when I thought I would be ready for the increase in my Metformin dosage...the side effects decide to come back with a vengeance.

I WILL go on to 2000 mg. I WILL. The sooner I get used to the highest dosage, the better.

This could be a rough week.

I just made an omelette, for the first time...ever.

Pretty impressive, wouldn't you say? I added ground beef to it and put salsa on top of it. Yum.

I learned via Julia Child. Word to the wise: when she says put it on high heat, it's probably better to put it on just above Medium heat, or else put your butter in the pan immediately after it begins to get hot. I had the pan hot for awhile, and so when I put the butter in the pan, it created quite a smoky mess.

Here's a not so secret secret: my culinary skills are lacking.
I only know a few staple items, and I have NO idea how to cook anything from scratch.
I grew up with a mother that had a few staple items, but mostly used frozen entrees and such. There are two things my mother didn't really teach me how to do:

cook and apply makeup

Have you ever looked at those girls that have gorgeous makeup on, and wondered "how in the heck do they do that?" Like, the whole layering of the eyeshadow. You know what I'm talking about: where there's one shade on the very top of the brow, and another shade on the lid? I can't remember how many times I've tried this trick, but it just doesn't work! It might just be my eyelids, though. Maybe they're not big enough.

Anyway, back to cooking... I also of course made hamburgers yesterday for close to the first time. It didn't start off so well.

Isn't it true that if the kitchen is smoky, you're probably doing something wrong?
Wesley swears that it's just due to our little kitchen having no ventilation, but I'm starting to wonder if he was simply being chivalrous.

I have a feeling I have many smoke-billowed kitchens in the future, especially now that I'm doing this whole low carb thing.

Maybe I'd better invest in a fire extinguisher. You know. Just in case.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Bleck, bleck, bleck.

I feel like I'm having a major fat day.

My stomach feels twice as big as usual. I'm doing the low carb thing, so today I had rice krispies for breakfast, and made hamburger patties for lunch. I didn't feel so good after eating the hamburger patties. I felt like they were loaded with grease, and that didn't make me feel like I'm doing any good at all. I know that it probably is, especially with me eating the less carbs...but it sure doesn't feel like it.

I might be feeling crappy today also due to eating over my recommended daily intake of sodium yesterday. Even though I was well below my calories, the sodium was through the roof (thank you, hot dogs and movie popcorn). I have noticed when I eat sodium, I tend to bloat very easily.

I know I've just got to keep persevering, but sometimes, it's difficult. And I get bitter. Bitter that there are so many women out there that can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. Women that are ridiculously fertile and at 23 are already on their second baby.

But I can't get caught up in that, because I can only work with what God has given me. I guess I sometimes feel like I've been given a crappy deal. But only God knows what is in store for my life.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

About before and after pictures...

I really want to do this, but I'm so afraid that I won't be able to tell a difference. Is that silly? Like right now. Even though I have, at this point, lost 10 pounds, I don't feel like I look any different. Well, I think my legs and butt are skinnier, but other than that...not a whole lot.

However, I know that it has made a difference. I think I am going to keep a record of highlights I have noticed due to losing weight.

Highlights of my weight loss thus far:

1) I can now put my wedding band and engagement ring on my finger without first having to use lotion to make sure it slides on instead of getting stuck halfway down my finger. This is a huge accomplishment, because my tight rings made me feel sad.

2) I feel like my double chin is significantly less noticeable. I am afraid to post before and after pictures for fear that it's all in my head.

3) One pair of jeans that were unwearable are now tight, but wearable.

4) I've lost an ohsolittle bit of back fat. I don't have too much, but I acquired a little and it made me really sad.

Frustrations:

1) I still have my pudgy, pregnant looking stomach. Still have to hide it with a big shirt.

2) I acquired stretch marks on my stomach from my significant weight gain since being off of the pill.

3) My chin still gathers up underneath my face when I look down at something, creating a huge double chin.

Ah, oh well. Just keep losing, just keep losing...

I've lost a human head plus 2 pounds!

I stole this from http://musingsofmrsmount.blogspot.com.

1 pound = a Guinea Pig
1.5 pounds = a dozen Krispy Kreme glazed donuts
2 pounds = a rack of baby back ribs
3 pounds = an average human brain
4 pounds = an ostrich egg
5 pounds = a Chihuahua
6 pounds = a human’s skin
7.5 pounds = an average newborn
8 pounds = a human head
10 pounds= chemical additives an American consumes each year
11 pounds = an average housecat
12 pounds = a Bald Eagle
15 pounds = 10 dozen large eggs
16 pounds = a sperm whale’s brain
20 pounds = an automobile tire
23 pounds = amount of pizza an average American eats in a year
24 pounds = a 3-gallon tub of super premium ice cream
25 pounds = an average 2 year old
30 pounds = amount of cheese an average American eats in a year
33 pounds = a cinder block
36 pounds = a mid-size microwave
40 pounds = a 5-gallon bottle of water or an average human leg
44 pounds = an elephant’s heart
50 pounds = a small bale of hay
55 pounds = a 5000 BTU air conditioner
60 pounds = an elephant’s penis (yep, weights more than his heart!)
66 pounds = fats and oils an average American eats in a year
70 pounds = an Irish Setter
77 pounds = a gold brick
80 pounds = the World’s Largest Ball of Tape
90 pounds = a newborn calf
100 pounds = a 2 month old horse
111 pounds = red meat an average American eats in a year
117 pounds = an average fashion model (and she’s 5’11”)
118 pounds = the complete Encyclopedia Britannica
120 pounds = amount of trash you throw away in a month
130 pounds = a newborn giraffe
138 pounds = potatoes an average American eats in a year
140 pounds = refined sugar an average American eats in a year
144 pounds = an average adult woman (and she’s 5’4”)
150 pounds = the complete Oxford English Dictionary
187 pounds = an average adult man
200 pounds = 2 Bloodhounds
235 pounds = Arnold Schwarzenegger
300 pounds = an average football lineman
400 pounds = a Welsh pony


Haha, what fun stuff. And to think, at the end of all of this, I will have hopefully lost a small bale of hay.

Now, this is where it gets interesting...

I have to admit, I hit a brick wall yesterday.
I don't know what happened, but suddenly, the idea of "healthy" food literally made me sick to my stomach.

I've been ingesting oatmeal, chicken salad, tuna salad, salad, salad, salad for a while now. When I went to make my lunch yesterday morning, I literally gagged at the thought of making another chicken salad concoction (even talking about it now is making me queasy). It doesn't help that this medicine has now transferred from running through my system too quickly (I know, I know, tmi, right?) to making me quite nauseous most of the time. It's hard to catch a break.

So...I have to confess it...
I had a McDouble and a small fry yesterday...and BOY, was it GOOD. However, afterward, my body quickly rejected it. I had another off day today, but luckily, the quantity wasn't a lot, so there's a good chance I still managed to stay within my calorie intake.

I talked to my good friend Jerica on the phone today. She had some very exciting news to tell me (she's pregnant!) and we got to talking about my diagnosis of PCOS and the linking of it to diet. She and her husband have been eating right for a while now, and she actually works at a health food store. They also have their own farm and are selling meats, poultry, etc from it. They believe that most illnesses and conditions can be cured by a change in diet, and I have to agree. I expressed to her that I don't want to stay on this medication for the rest of my life, and I would like to be cured of PCOS. She stated she has researched PCOS and strongly believes that if one just changes their diet, besides losing weight, it will cause the PCOS symptoms to go away.

Long story short, she's going to really try to help me eat right. She told me "we are going to try to get you off this medicine as soon as possible." Boy, did that make me feel EMPOWERED. What's really interesting is what her definition of eating right is. It's definitely unconventional.

72 g of carbs a day. All the saturated fat I want, because since it sustains longer, I will not eat as much of it as I would if I were eating carbs. 1 piece of fruit a day. Focus on veggies and meats. Lots of water and raw milk. No fruit juices. She swears by this, and managed to lose 12 pounds in two weeks by making these dietary adjustments.

Now, I know she probably has a higher metabolism than me, but still...that's a lot of weight to not be starving myself on granola and yogurt. I can have BACON! and STEAK! and EGGS! etc. (of course, I must incorporate yogurts and stuff as well, and not go overboard on the saturated fats). The approach is that if you eat your meats first, you will fill up faster and not eat as much. I'm sure there's more technical reasons, but that's the way I can explain it.

She stated the biggest misconception is that fat in food makes you fat. She says this is just not true, and it's actually the carbs that are making Americans fat. It makes sense, if you ask me, due to how my ob/gyn explained how the body breaks down carbs versus other things. I'm currently supposed to be on a low carb, low sugar diet anyway. So! I am excited about this new chapter in my life!

She has given me a couple of ideas to start off with as far as foods and such.

Also, I think Wesley and I will soon become raw milk drinkers.
It's true.

I've been hearing from many different people for a while now that raw milk is best for you, and that the store-bought milk can actually be harmful. There are so very many health benefits to raw milk. I told Jerica I was a little scared to start, because I was afraid I would get sick. She explained that they currently sell raw milk and haven't had one complaint from first time drinkers. However, she did state that many people have had problems once going from raw milk back to store-bought milk...which really leads me to believe there's so many things in store-bought milk that shouldn't be in there.

So, I'm going to track down a farm and buy from them...illegally, haha. They can only sell it as "pet milk", because it's illegal to sell it for humans to consume. How silly is that? Black marker milk! Supposedly, there's a farm in Jackson. I'm really actually pretty excited about this!

I will let you know how it goes.

Exercising has been placed on the back burner this week, because my current dosage of Metform (1500 mg) has really hit me hard. I have no energy it seems, so it's hard to get to the gym. I'm hoping it gets better.

No aunt flo at this point yet. I have never been so ready for my period in my life. Getting my period means I'm one step closer to conceiving.

I feel like I'm 11 again, hanging on the possibility of menses so I can consider myself a "woman."

Oh dear.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Fruit and veggie intake...

I don't know if you can see that, but it's the recommended daily intake of fruits and vegetables per day. I didn't know there was such a thing. (I know about the food pyramid of course, but I didn't realize there was a table that broke it down into cups!)

Less active women in our age range (19-30):

less active: 1.5 cups fruit, 2.5 cups veggies
moderately active: 2 cups fruit; 3 cups veggies
active: 2 cups fruit, 3 cups veggies

I thought fruit was free game for me in these steps toward healthy living. That appears to not be so.

1 cup of grapes= 16 grapes=104 cals. Now, that wouldn't be that bad, except that this one itsy bitsy measly cup also has... oh, 27 grams of carbs! On the Atkins diet, the recommended intake the first two weeks is 20 grams a day. So, if I were on the Atkins diet, then I would have already spent ALL of my carbs, and then some, on 16 grapes.

I'm trying my hardest to shy away from carbs. It's so hard to believe that one cup of grapes has more carbs in it than 4 oz of yogurt.

The good thing I've begun to notice is, now that I'm staying away from caffeinated drinks, sweets, etc., I'm starting to notice I have a lower tolerance for it. In fact, when Wesley and I went shopping yesterday, I had to buy oj with 50% less sugar because when I try to drink it in the morning, it's too sweet for me!

I'm praising God about this. I just hope I don't fall back into bad habits like before.

I am just two pounds away from losing 10 pounds!!! YAY!!!




Sunday, August 2, 2009

Why the new blog?

So, the obvious next step is to explain why on earth I created another blog.

Let me back track some.

Wesley and I have been fervently praying for awhile that God would reveal His plan for our future, at least, the immediate future. There were several options that we could go with:

1. grad school for me + leaving jackson
2. leaving jackson + grad school
3. staying in jackson + grad school (not really thought about)
4. leaving jackson-grad school
5. staying in jackson-grad school
6. Going across the country with Dusty and Darlene in 2010 or 2011

As you can see, these options are not the most workable, especially when you haven't a clue what in the heck you're supposed to do. I heard this message preached by someone in which they described that the "lamp unto our feet" thing that Jesus said was just that; a lamp would only light one step in front of the other. A lamp doesn't provide a view from here to Mississippi, in other words. I believe the reason why this has stuck with me for so long, when I've heard so many messages since then, is because God wanted to remind me that this was His plan for my life. This might make Wesley and I more flexible than most couples, because since God works in a way in which He doesn't provide us much of a picture for what is planned for the future, we are simply in a constant limbo of "waiting." Not cool for someone like me who likes to see what's in her future.

However, Wesley and I started recently praying, with the intention of actually BELIEVING that God would reveal plans to us.
The other day, Wesley got our answer.

Work had ended early for the day, and so Wesley took his Bible and drove to Union to watch the sunrise from one of the many benches on campus. He was facing the road near the entrance that has a patch of land across the road. He was silently praying and reading, waiting to hear from the Lord. He told me he remembered sitting there for a good while, just listening for God. Out of nowhere, he saw three deer, two adults and one baby, on the patch of grass. The baby was frolicking (cheesy word, but only way I can describe it based on what he told me) about, happy and care-free, and at one point, even jumped over its mother's back. He said it was one of the coolest sights he'd ever seen, and it confirmed in His heart what God told him at that moment.

We are to remain in Jackson through the birth of our first child.


Wesley wrote nearly two pages that just came to him as he sat there. A portion of this, which was actually written before he saw the family of deer, reads:

"Lord, I need direction to lead. I need a plan to follow. I need a vision to see and no money to borrow. I need provisions to provide a sense of urgency to subside with all the clarity of the sky, with no obstructions in my eye. I will wait on you. I will not step another step on my own accord unless you lead me to things I can afford."

Thirty minutes later, when he saw the deer, he wrote:

The young one is overjoyed as it jumps with glee over its mother's back and around the bend of the hill as the mother stands still, never swaying from her job at hand, eating from the land, the grass of the field, to the oncoming traffic, they yield a desire to cross the street, they are content to eat just where they are--not far from where I sit wondering if this is it. My sign from heaven. They are still there though I can hardly see what lies ahead for all three. Only time will show where they will go as they grow into what God only knows to be their destiny."

Now, anyone who knows me can probably figure out I am not exactly overjoyed at this. I even asked Wesley a couple of times after this if he was...sure. He has been very firm about it.



Let's couple this with what I've felt God telling me lately.
I feel like I will become pregnant sooner than these PCOS procedures will lead others to believe. I may be completely absorbed in wishful thinking, but ever since I was diagnosed with PCOS, I have had this amazing peace from God. I have felt God telling me more and more that I will become pregnant...well, soon. My goal is to try to get this 50 pounds of weight off first, but believe me, I will take whatever I can get, haha.

I have silently struggled through the conceiving process, and most people don't know that I actually joined a trying to conceive board back in February to help myself not go crazy. It actually caused me to become more crazy, and I had to cut down my involvement in it. What made it worse was that I became semi-close with three other ladies that were trying to conceive, and now they are all currently pregnant. I took pregnancy test after pregnancy test once I stopped having my period in April, hoping, praying, obsessing about being pregnant. When I went to the Women's Clinic in May, half believing I was pregnant, I was devastated when the blood test came back negative. I was even more devastated with how the gynecologist handled my worries about my absence of a period. In July, I was officially diagnosed with PCOS, after much suspicion.

What surprised me the most was how I handled it. It wasn't this earth-shattering thing that I thought it would be. Instead, I felt the peace of the holy spirit wash over me. I hadn't felt His presence that strong in quite a while, and I knew that this was His plan. I then began hearing words of encouragement that I would indeed conceive, and that I only needed to "get myself healthy" for a baby.

God is God, and He certainly has the freedom to change the timetable of us conceiving, but right now, I don't feel it is too far down the road.

Also, while I was originally following the rabbit trail of Master's education, unless my dependent Veteran's benefits will pay past the age of 23, a Master's is not something for the immediate future. Wesley and I have a lot of school debt accumulated, and I couldn't realistically imagine us adding more to that at this point. Also, Wesley made a good point which aimed my goals toward a different direction: why would we focus immediately on my master's education, when we are planning on having children soon, and we plan to have me stay at home with the kids? Also, in my planning for my master's education, I never once actually asked Wesley what he thought.

[I'm definitely still getting the hang of this marriage thing.]

So, that is where we are at this point in our lives. Please pray for us, that God will continue to speak as strongly to us as He has recently. We need His voice ever-present in our ears, or we risk trying to take over everything with our own desires.

Now, back to the question: why the new blog?

This blog is going to chronicle my journey through PCOS, infertility, and weight loss. It is also putting the fact out in the open that as of right now...Wesley and I are definitely TRYING TO CONCEIVE! It will begin loosely. The methods will kick up a notch the more weight I lose, as I know that a pregnancy is easier the smaller you are.
So, there you are.

Stick around. This is going to get interesting....

My OCD self caused me to need to create a new blog.

My obsession with categorizing things is becoming a bit ridiculous.

You'd think due to this trend, that I'm really an organized person. That's just not true. I am an otter to the core, if you've taken the animal test. I am scatterbrained and cluttered. But, for some reason, there are a few areas that I am quote "organized" in. These would be:

playlists. I have at least 10 created on playlist.com, and each are different. Even if this means I only have 5 songs on one playlist, then that's just how it is.

blogs. Xanga is the exception. Since I have blogged on xanga on again, off again since Freshman year, it had always been a journal to just voice my thoughts. It is still that. But, as some can attest to, once I created an account on blogger, I began changing my blogs fairly regularly. I just can't stand to have an actual blog on blogger.com, and it not be themed.

journals. I'm just not someone who can keep a journal and jot down whatever thoughts come to my mind (unless of course, internally, I have decided that the journal will be a journal for whatever thoughts come to my mind). If this is not declared upon first writing in the journal, it will not become that. And I will fill up approximately 5.5 pages before I will decide that it is too frustrating to have a journal without a theme. Also, the journal has to look similar to whatever theme it is. For example, if I were taking a trip to India, I would want a journal that looked Indian-themed. I would love to have a shelf of journals and be able to tell what section of my life they were from according to their designs.
(Of course, the side note is, I also have a phobia of writing in journals because I think my handwriting doesn't deserve any place besides a generic notebook).

That's all I can think of at this moment. I will let you know when I think of some more.

Anyway, this obsession may mean that I will post up to three posts in one day with different titles. I simply feel I won't be able to keep up blogging on a "blog" unless I first A) state the purpose of this blog and B) break each post into one topic so that I can stay focused. I may say screw this completely and decide to make it a 2nd "whatever flows into my head will go onto the page" type blog. But if that happens, don't expect much from this blog. Because I will get frustrated, and retreat back to xanga.

Wow, that was rather wordsy. Why don't we just get on with it?