Falling into pieces

Today was not a good day.

I don't know why hearing certain people or people in certain situations are pregnant, bothers me more than others in different situations. 

Maybe it has nothing to do with the people, and has more to do with how my day has gone. 

I had a crazy hectic day (well, crazy hectic week) and I feel like I can't ever get my head above water, water which distinctly resembles mounds of paperwork. Couple that with having a two hour meeting at work entitled as file audits, but carefully disguised. It's really "let's make Ashley cry and make her feel like she can't do anything right. Let's tell Ashley that she's not detailed enough and that if she wants to be a GOOD case worker, she will try everything she can to have no life and instead worry worry worry about taking all the staples out of documents and making sure her file is perfect." 

My job is stressful on a number of levels. First, you have the simple fact that you can have up to 18 cases, all of which you are completely 100% responsible for. Even at 11 cases, I am sinking fast. Then, any case you have that is a problem case, you should automatically count those as more than one case, because the trouble that they give you is at least two cases worth of work. I have at least three serious trouble cases. Oh, and by the way, these are cases in which often, my supervisor can honestly say "I have never had to deal with that before." Oh joy. Now, I have learned that all of your kids that are in the Juvenile Justice population are going to give you trouble. Many a time I have thought that a child I got on my caseload would be "no trouble", only to be sitting in a meeting with all of his teachers a couple of weeks later. So the trouble I'm talking about is out of the ordinary stuff; freakishly weird stuff; it's adding stress to an already stressful situation. I am also a state employee. I am responsible for so much more than typical social workers. This is a government job, therefore we are subject to random audits, scrutiny, etc. Even if you aren't audited regularly, it still puts stress on you with the possibility of someone auditing you. And that stress is so much more than the stress of simply losing your job. It's someone looking at you and saying "what in the heck were you thinking? You have not helped this child at all! This child will have more of a screwed up life because of you!" (Not that this will ever happen, but doesn't the possibility of that happening make you shudder and go into overdrive? I know I do). I'm not known as being the most responsible person. I seriously probably had sippy cups until I was 7 due to the fact that I could never hold a drink without spilling it. And yet now, all of a sudden, because I'm graduated and have a degree, I'm supposed to be able to make all these decisions and be responsible for human beings? This is so much more than just being a parent. It's like being a parent after the child has been out of your life for 17 years. That's scary. Especially when you have bigger people looking down at you and monitoring what decisions you make.

Finally, this job is stressful and hard because sometimes, the things I hear from the children really make me want to fall apart. I have heard stories of children watching family members bleed to death on the sidewalk after being pumped full of bullets. It's just all too much. I heard one of these stories today, and I kept asking God "why, oh why do you let your children suffer so? Why are they allowed to experience such pain and violence before they're even old enough to graduate?" 

I will admit, I actually got a bit angry with God today. I just don't understand Him. I think what makes me most angry is that, in situations like that, you cannot tell someone "that was God's plan." That would be absurd. So, how can I believe it was?

And at the end of a day like today, to find out someone is pregnant after a ridiculousy short amount of time...well, it's just a little too much. I have this issue where, if I know the couple has been trying for a long time, I am overjoyed for them. But, instead, if it's more of a "wow, we didn't expect to get pregnant; we weren't even trying. We haven't even struggled over getting pregnant," thing...I can't help but be bitter. And angry. And hurt. And I again struggle with believing this is God's plan.

I feel so cheated out of everything. It depresses me that I have to "prep" my body to grow life. It is so much of an ego blow. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me (which, let's face it, there is) and makes me feel like less of a woman. I struggle with really feeling horrible about myself, thinking that one of the most natural things a woman is designed to do, I struggle with doing it. Sometimes I wonder why the women who desire the most, with everything in them, to conceive....seem to have the most difficult time? 

I cannot tell you when I started fantasizing about my future children. I'm sure I was a child myself. I would always watch my baby cousins and was known to have a "special touch" with most of them. I have read time and time again on facebook, and even babycenter, women complaining about getting little to no sleep, morning sickness, or even simply the chaos of having children. I am sure those who are struggling with getting pregnant can agree...doesn't that just make you want to slap the person in the face? What I wouldn't give to experience morning sickness, lack of sleep, and chaos, all at once! And just think,  I haven't even been struggling with conceiving for as long as a lot of women with infertility issues. I don't know where they get their strength from. When Wesley and I were trying very hard to conceive, with every negative pregnancy test, I would literally crumple up and sob. It was such a difficult time. I know that if and when my cycles get regulated, I'm going to be right back there again, and I'm scared of how painful it's going to be. 

What I do know is I am going to try my very hardest to never utter a complaint when I'm pregnant. I want to rejoice and be content and cherish it. I want to remember what it took to get me to that point. Most of all, I want my child to know how wanted it was. How its mother would pray and cry and ache, waiting for her arms to be filled with its little body. I am often reminded of that scene in 'Facing the Giants'... tell me, what is impossible with God? 

I am working through feelings of bitterness and hurt. I never expected to have issues with getting pregnant, although it was always a major fear of mine. I thought to myself "wouldn't it be just my luck, me, the person who cannot see a baby without going up and touching its little fingers, would have problems with fertility." It seems like the epitome of irony. It feels cruel, as if I am being cheated out of something already very dear to my heart.